I realize that there is much to catch you all up on. Many (more) humorous potty training stories. Many self depricating remarks regarding my parenting skills. The death defying escapades of single parenting.... and I promise.. I'll get to all of them... soon.
Today- please indulge me... I'm bitching. And ranting... You may not be interested- but this is my blog damn it.
I want to pre admit that I may be over sensitive as I've had to accept help alot this week. But still... arrg.
I have literally, many many times been knocked to my knees in gratitude for the selfless acts and offerings in this most recent season of my life. From a sister (and BIL)- who- up until we were well into our 20's- would to speak to eachother maybe...maybe once/ twice a year-- offering not only taking care of Teg's airline ticket but coming to visit at exactly the right time and doing ALL the right things allieviating big big burdens for me- To a brother (and BIL) who I would have never thought would want to travel with me- end up being the perfect travel companion for my whole travel group and taking care of my ticket too. From these huge gestures to friends who show up to clean and organize my house in the midst of a mental packing breakdown. A co worker who charged me nothing for her notary services and never balked but always offered her stamp at no charge (and Lord knows someone could make a decent living off one dossier alone!) I am literally overwhelmed with the goodness of people- notes from people I haven't seen since high school shouting encouraging and supportive words- people who took a step out- didn't have to say a thing- but showed their heart in support. I am truely touched.
And then... then ... there are days like today.. when I am reminded... that some people.... some.. don't know the meaning of giving. Don't know the meaning of help.
It saddens me. Because this person- is probably the closest to me in the world.
Perhaps I'm wrong- and Lord forgive me if I am- and show me her heart-- It seems as if with her.. Give, is Give and Take. Fair is Fair. And an offer for help- is a debt to be paid.
And you know what makes it worse... the offer for help, feels... and is delivered as... an obligation to accept the offer. I don't think she knows she is being manipulative in that way... but she is. And it hurts.
I was very sick this week. Started last week with the Shingles...and this week with pneumonia.. hard.. in both lungs. Almost went to the hospital.. as O2 stats were low.. but I can play the single mom with 2 year old card, now. So- try as I might... I needed help with the Boy. He loves to visit her. It's like Disney World to him-- one or two adults who do nothing but play with me-- room to run-- and no rules!
Having only about 2 hours of energy after each bout of sleep- He was there quite a bit and I appreciated the help. But not wanting to leave him - I would go to the past 2 days.
Two days was enough.
I appreciated the help- cause only God knows how we'd have gotten through without the help. But--- she manipulated and sabotaged so many parenting strategies with him. Trying so hard to make her be his favorite. How many times.... How clear do I have to be... I'M STILL TRYING TO GET HIM TO ACCEPT ME AS HIS PARENT. PLEASE DO NOT COMPETE WITH ME. YES I REALIZE YOU WILL WIN. THAT IS NOT THE GOAL.
Resurrection. Tomorrow is Easter. Tomorrow we will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus and all that it means for this world and our lives. It also means--- one more day- time with family.
But the boundaries go back. Boundaries she is not respecting. Boundary. As if she doesn't know the definition. (She 'happens' to show up where ever the Boy and I are having mother / son time... just a bit too often). She can still have him once a week if she wants to continue that schedule. But- this Momma is making other plans for her needed breaks.
It is a dangerous thing accepting help from this woman. I've said it before and I'll say it again... it is a very slippery slope. She'll be offended when other plans are made without consulting her... but seriously?... WHY?
I'm frustrated. Angry. Mostly at myself. Cause I knew it. I knew this would happen. And yet- I asked her not to. I laid out the ground rules. And like my freaking 2 year old- she violated every last one. I feel violated. I feel victimized. By the one person who is supposed to have your back. UGH.
It's my own fault. It really is. I knew I should have sucked it up and just stayed at home with the Boy. But .. it seemed too easy to let him go with her and be happy. Let him have some fun. Some fresh air- while I sleep, hack, cough and gag. Maybe that was the problem. Too easy. Too tempting. Is it possible this woman is part of the devil that tempts me. Yes- it's possible. And it isn't the first time I've wondered. I feel guilty even typing it... but ... she does NOT walk with an open heart. She does NOT walk in Love. If I'm wrong Lord show me. But I must stand my guard and stand firm with the boundaries. What they guard, my son, is too important.