Sunday Smile...

Dance class doesn't measure up to Gymnastics class... just saying...

 

  

 

Where am I going?...

I keep trying to get to this particular "place". Seems I'm always in a hurry to move- as if magically, we'll be "there" and... *poof*  everything is as it should be.

 I don't have a place name for it. It looks like this...

It has been a hot day. Humid. Hard working. Sweaty day. Physically worked. Hot. Wiped.

Then...

You sit back in a rocker. Feet up on the porch rail. Ice ice ice cold sweating amber glass bottle of beer, as it pops open. First sip. Ahhhh....

It all melts away.

THAT. 

Right there. 

That is the place I keep trying to which I find myself endlessly striving.

Relaxed. 

Accomplished. 

Job well done.

No worries.

As of yet... still futile.
 

Perspective Helps...

A good reminder to slow down.

There is no place worth reaching, that bests where we are.

Edited repost from archives

Everyday another post is being written. Everyday- another is being played out. And yet- when I get to the computer- it's after 11pm and I need sleep. And clean laundry. And clean dishes. And to organize. And put away winter stuff. And get his paperwork and photos organized and get them safely put away. ... but here's the thing.. I've let the pressure of getting these things done.. go away.

I lost my job not too long ago. In preparation to go back to work, we were pressing ahead to get organized- get things done- get him ready for school- get... well we weren't getting anywhere, really. Truth be told.   So now, we have time.

Some of you know- that shortly before that time frame-- I was struggling. Struggling to get him to do what I thought I needed him to do.

I've stopped struggling.

He likes that.

We are happy.

Blissfully so.

So much I want to share. So much to reflect on. So much that I want soon to be mom's to know- I learned so much from those that walked before me- Pay it forward. Isnt' that part of the deal??

Here's the (other part of) deal:
You'll have to take what I can offer today. I realize it's not the most thought out writing lately... Not the best edited... please, forgive.. and love me anyway.


We're in a good place.. today.. this week.  Even tho there are still nights he cries in his sleep. Nights he painfully says words I don't understand. Even though we went back to a bottle (warm milk & cinnamon) for a little while. Even though he bit me hard enough to draw blood (LOTS).  Even though physical ailments keep rising to the surface for both of us.  Even though he withdraws to his own place, seemingly looking back, remembering...

We've laughed alot lately. LOTS! We hug a lot lately. LOTS! Being outside helps us. Setting boundaries and staying respectful of them helps (especially with others). Learning the best way to eat, helps. Laughing helps. Not teaching too many lessons in a day helps. Learning new words each day helps. Regular sleeping patterns help. Saying things I want him to know helps. Praying helps. Holding hands helps. Not freaking out when he poops in the tub helps. Getting breaks helps. Getting help, helps. Doing things together helps. Learning to play on his own helps.


(Yes... I just knocked on wood)

What is next?...

As we laughed, snuggled and wrestled

as is the routine of changing in to pj's

I looked up to his face

me on the floor

I heard in my head

"He has no idea, everything is about to change"

Really?

Did I just think that?

Or did I hear it?

Is the worry and fear taking over

the Faith?

Or is He making his faith known?

Almost a year

I sat and prayed

Wondered

Connived

Concieved of strategies

Percieved plans

How could I be a single stay at home mom?

I prayed and prayed

Asked for the hows

Eventually giving it all to him and trusting

I had nothing to hold onto then...

Only Him.

Makes it easier to let go of it all 

when the nothing is closer to Him

It came to pass

Two years we've had together

This unbridled gift from God

Two full years

I didn't realize why I needed it so

So very different than expected

Isn't it always

Now. Things are about to change.

I suspect shockingly

Yes I've no idea what it looks like

We have little to hold onto

Little is harder to give up to God 

than, 'nothing'.

Harder to just trust in faith

Why?

Why do I so quickly stray?

It has truely been a gift.

A miracle that we've been able to do this for 2 full years

I still have much to learn

We have much healing in our future

Now 

Now we prepare

We unbridle from possessions

Eventually our house

We sure up our strength in Him

And our family in each other

Where the road leads us, we do not know

A little light

One step at a time

Not everyone will agree with the choices I've needed to make thus far.

That's ok.

We make different choices as we experience different things

Some choices, are regretful

Most are spot on

I think. Now. 

Who knows how tomorrows history will reflect

We venture forward

Figure it out

Have faith

Give thanks

Hope

This 2 years

Has changed me

In so different ways that I could've every imagined

Bigger ways

I read old posts and don't know the person that wrote them

Disconnected

The becoming of me

Growing. Molding. Shaping.

It hurts

But it's more encompassing

Transforming

Like the inside of a chrysalis 

Something new emerges

I think something new is about to emerge

I am grateful

Hopeful

Prayerful to let go of my worry

Excited

What is next?

Free Entertainment

Yes. Teg's face is swollen. From the day before sledding accident.

He went over a rock and flew straight into a tree. Didn't seem to slow him down at all...

Sunday Smile...

I do want to share whats been going on, and soon I'll find time to fill you in. I also want to tell you that our 2nd year of Family celebrations is going much smoother and far less traumatic (and no ER visits) than our 1st years celebrations. It is. More later.

This could've been a quick snapshot, sort of post. but it isn't. I saw amazing things today. Little gifts, evidence of His presence. Evidence He's been here all along.

Today is a day to rejoice. No. Make that REJOICE!!! 

Healing. Healing. Healing. God is good, baby and don't forget it! 

He's not done yet. This I know.

****

Two years ago, almost to the day, we first went into the YMCA Gymnastics field house. He didn't quite know what to do. He had no idea really.  The first couple times he grabbed a stroller and pushed it around the track... sort of. That was the gist of free play to him. You push things or pull them. (truth be told it's still the most common theme). 

His body was, soft. 

No. Really. 

Squishy. Bones. Joints. Tissue. 

Muscle tone pretty non existent. Meaning- You could press on the bottom of his toes and his entire foot could flex all the way back to touch his shin. Ya. Soft.

Zero arm strength. Other than eating.. ya... I'm going with a zero.

It's not just limb strength I'm talking about. When picking him up, he needed to be picked up using your entire lower arms as support. Hold him 'too tight' (meaning barely touch him) and you'd feel his ribs move and pop from normal position between vertebra.

(Sadly, and oddly, the loose joint and structures leave one with very little sensation in the joints.)

Walking up an incline. Impossible. He couldn't even figure out how. He'd fall over every time. He didn't quite have the strength to crawl using his arms. 

He couldn't roll. 

Couldn't roll over, like an infant. 

Back to front. Nope.

He was almost 3.

Two months. 

3 times a week. 

We went to open gym at the Y. 

 After two months he could, not only, walk up the inclined mat---

seriously! It was such a huge event, I took a picture the 2nd time!

Now- he made it all the way down the end of the tumble track (trampoline) and was rocking the bounce!!

I would have thought these were taken early Feb. But time stamp proves they were March 24. Two months after arrival.

 ***

A year ago, we started actual structured classes. 3-5 year old's. No pressure. Preschool Movement.

By this time he'd grown substantially, and his sensory seeking had really come on line. So had his movement and strength. Unfortunately, he still had little for sense in his joints and therefor his entire awareness of where his body is in space was thrown. (And momma was getting whacked by flying elbows knees, heads and other random body movements.) 

Basic balance was a big issue.

Teachers at school had brought it up.

"If he's sitting in his chair and turns to look, when someone drops something, he falls out of his chair"

Little basic core strength to hold himself steady.

They put him in the 'safety' seat. 

(the one with sides) 

(... and buckles)

He was three and a half.

We'd been 'wait listed' for PT. He needed more "play" time and hard body work. Being a first intro to small group activities it was a good one. 

Everything about it was hard for him. 

Language. 

Large gym. 

Lots of activity. 

One hyper-vigilant hebasha.

Transitions from one activity to the next. 

There were physical challenges, accompanied by expectations of his boyhood and size. 

"Hold on to the bar. Don't let go."

Plop

"I said, hold on!"

I gave the instructor "the talk", and "the letter" as companion. 

She was merciful and helpful. 

*hands raised* 

THANK YOU!!

We did lots of classes over the winter. He really began to enjoy them and looked forward to the challenges. And, yes. Still many challenges. And yet...

He's persistent.

him and HIM.

Never did he give up or get frustrated.

Neither did He.

I watched my son begin to fly.

finally... some air beneath him. by the time he turned 4 last April.

Balance. 

Oh you elusive creature.

He started to figure you out.

A little. 

at a time

About every 3rd step, he'd fall or step off by April last year. Huge improvements. HUGE

***

And then this year. After being off since April. 

Look what he did today. 

I was teary eyed crying. 

And so was he really, after the big balance beam. So pictures are crap. But seriously... look. 

First notice the sitting, upright and waiting his turn! Oh how far...

Arm strength!! Legs gripping. Full body coordinated together!!!  *insert choir of angels singing* Hallelujah!!

*cue Bob Costas voice dub in*  (unrelated to angels choir previously heard from)

"And now ladies and gentlemen, we turn to the Balance Beam"

Note the 'regulation' width. First on the floor.

Then a little higher. He made both of these the entire way. NO FALLING!

And the elevated beam!! Ok- it was maybe 3 feet high and mats almost reached the top. Still it seemed very skillful!! This was his first step after doing the official beam "mount". I don't know what it's called...

This was as close as she got to 'help'. He made it the entire way to dismount. By the end he was screaming "Mommy! Take a picture of me!! LOOK I DID IT!!" and he jumped to dismount. Those of you who know him, know he HATES having his picture taken--- so this was a big big big day.

You've given me a joyful ride, my love.

He has worked hard. He has this amazing gift of persistence, unlike anything I've ever seen or experienced. And persistence is what you need, when your limits are unbound and set free.

Healing.

It takes time.

Even in some of the pictures like the one above, you can begin to see some of the skin scars and their healing over time. Today was evidence of physical healing. There is much healing that happens that is harder to capture in a photograph. 

Emotional. 

Mental. 

Broken hearts.

 Today. 

Today we REJOICE. 

God is good.