5 minute heads up till we leave...
Wound inflicted upon Momma when attempting to leave.
This has to stop. I took a ladies advice and started singing to him, crazily- expressing love- crazily... but. He bit so hard I fell down... it was that or throw him down. Not proud of that. But it hurt. He hurt me. I sang ridiculously through tears... i don't know how effective that was.
Some how I have to teach him the difference between being angry and hurting eachother and dealing with each.
Tonight as I was in full on tears, as it started to inflame and get more painful, he was laughing... kept trying to show me something and then laughing. I was literally doubled over in pain and he was laughing. But I think, maybe he was attempting to make me laugh- or distract me somehow. He'd also kiss it.. and then dig his nails into it.... then kiss again. It makes me think that I'm not understanding him enough. That somehow- when he is in pain (which he truely rarely expresses) that he thinks I'm trying to distract him- get him to laugh. I have to tune in more to his expression.
There was a time- many times actually- distract and laughter has been used as a tactic... not with him... I don't think. You see, it is one of those ... those things that .. permeates my family.. and how I grew up. But one of those things that encroaches on many moments of my day in trying to establish new communication- new compassion- new love traditions. I can not disrespect his pain. Doing so- causes him to disrespect pain inflicted.
When he hurts me... oh- how tempting it is.. to respond how others would have responded to me. To respond they way he wants. To escape this hard- difficult trek of Love.. of Family. To hurt him physically in response.
But then- I'm just another playmate that pinch and bite eachother. I'm not acting like a mother.
This is hurting me. Physically- and my heart. It hurts.
How do I hold him safely and yet keep myself safe? I'm not sure I can do both. It's fighting off every reflex to protect myself. Because protecting my physical body will ultimately not be protective of my Sun. You see the problem?... it hurts!!
I have to remind myself.. it's only 3 months. It's only 3 months. This is still new- fun- uncertain- temporary for him. He doesn't know any different. I keep telling him. But I'm not sure he completely understands these words- these words he only hears from me.
EDITED TO ADD @2 YEARS LATER: Those silly songs I made up on the spot, we are still reverting to them in times of dysregulation. It's crazy. It's painful. I didn't always respond most therapeutically. But my suggestion is to track/log what you do in these early days home. You may / likely need to use them all over again with your 5 or 6 year old. The tantrums, sound different. The shit they throw at you smells different. The pain the can inflict feels never ending. The soothing sound of ridiculous songs you made up to bring you together early- may give you an edge later.