I don't know why-- but gotta share this with you. It is a copy of an email I wrote to my dear friend Dodie.
This entire adoption process has been a full -repeatedly -driving -it -in -lesson in "giving it to God". I finally came to the point that I can do nothing without him and- if I try-- I may get what I'm striving for-- but it my not be the path He had for me-- such a stupid pursuit. I just give it to him. Repeatedly. So many many many times I've told God that "it has to be Him. That I can't do this and I don't want it unless it is His". (Now, you know me. Coming from a girl that once put her mind to anything and made it happen- no matter what -or who got in the way.... This is progress!)
But I also struggle trying to balance the- Do what you can- and God will do what you can't- principle. There are moments and situations that these two are sort of .. not necessarily conflicting but.. perhaps.. overlap. These times i've had to really pray and trust that He'll show me.
These past few weeks since passing court has been a struggle. There are sooooooo sooooo soooo many reasons to push. To push the agency to do more for him. To speed things up. To call the embassy to get me there faster than what they are predicting will happen. I don't want to be the bitch running around getting people to react to the possible health implications of him not being here and getting treatment. Especially for something he may or may not have! (and what sort of Jesus loving person chooses to purposefully be a bitch to others in order to satisfy her own itch?) But then... it seems like SOMEONE should be advocating for him. I want SOMEONE to advocate and push for him. But something holds me back. And I hear... "this is all in His time."
It took a looooooooooooooooonnnnnnnggggg couple weeks for me to kinda-sorta intermittently in ever growing bits and pieces.. feel some peace in just giving it to Him. I knew that it had to be His glory. I knew that if I pushed... I could get him home... but what glory would that be for God.? (I'm teary now...)
Last week- I literally felt at wits end. Collapsing in tears multiple times a day. I knew I had to do something. I asked for something to keep me busy- to lift me up- to keep me from running the scary vile monologues through my head constantly throughout the day. Just one weekend. A day or two to relieve the pressure-
That is when Alex came to visit for a few days. His brother Tyler woke up with a fever- not sick.. just a fever and he ended up being perfectly fine- but to make sure- the brothers were split up for a couple days- and Alex came with me. I had a three year old in the house. All to myself. My own little Godsend. The pressure release was palpable.
I didn't "forget" -- but it had the opportunity to move from the FRONT of my mind- permeating everything... back to where-- where it belonged. Back where I could say- this is not for me to hold onto so tightly- that 'This I give to You' place.
My prayers and conversations with God these past few days have changed from "Please God- Make this happen and that happen and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I really want this"- to "Thank You. I may not understand right now- but You, and only you, have infinite wisdom and blessings beyond my imagination. Forgive me when I falter and am tempted to take this from you. I trust You. I trust that You are watching over him. I trust that he feels Your love today. I trust that in pain and agony- he feels Your love and comfort which is far more complete than I can provide. I trust he feels You are with him and he is not alone. I trust that our next step is in your time- for this is all for You."
As I drove home last night- the first night in a long time I didn't weep half the way home- I prayed some more and thanked Him for the strength to get through today. The strength to resist sending a nasty gram and taking it from Him. I also said- Lord I know that tomorrow the urge will come again. Maybe a more forceful urge- to trick me into making those calls and emails. Be with me for I can not do it with out you. Peace is settling in even more.
Getting bored yet?
This morning--- listening to the local Christian station- they are in their pledge drive season and were reading stories from people. I don't remember exactly how it happened cause it happened in very quick succession-- with urgency. But I remember praying. Again my brain had started thinking about pushing and making things happen. So I prayed for guidance. At first I heard "you already have your answer. Sit. Let it be. Let Me." and then something happened with a song that was something about "call" yada yada. (hmmm I thought..) Then they started reading a letter from a lady who stated how her family without the financial means was called to adoption and the Lord always Provided and she had a challenge for all those touched by adoption to-- get this-- "pick up the phone and make the call". (yup- of course that I remember!) (BTW- I already made my pledge..) And my eyes started darting... "Yup. You heard it- There's my sign! I'm gonna cal the agency an..."
I soo wanted to give into that voice. I SOOOOOOOO SOOOOO SOOOO wanted to. And then I heard it all again. His Glory. Trust in Him. His path. His timing. I knew if I made that call- I could effect change-- but I would spend a great deal of time convicted about it. The agony of indecision lasted about 3 seconds. As soon as I made the decision- consciencely- and said it aloud "I trust in You". The peace came back. I'm not bothered by that temptation at all (ok- there is still a little devil whispering in my ear.. but he'll leave soon).
Here is the reality of this situation. If it is in God's plan for us to be together 'earlier'- it will be. Regardless if I make the call. He can do all. This is all in His hands. All this complication I created- just to learn this very simple truth.
Now go ahead- I know you want to sing that song don't ya... "He's got the whole world in His hands.. He's got the whole world in His hands.. He's got the.... " HA Ha. It's gonna be stuck there all day! (better than "it's a small world!)
Sorry to dump all this on you. It needed to go somewhere.
Love ya babe!