The conflict of expectation and regret.
Yay! It's official. My Son is a US Citizen. His name can go back to what it should be (not have to have my first name as his middle). He will now have a new birth certificate, US Passport and eventually a Certificate of Citizenship and all that entails. We will party and celebrate inviting all friends near and far!! We will dress in Red White and Blue displaying our joy and priviledge to hold this citizenship with all it's rights and responsibilities.
I suppose this goes along with one of those things is a 'must do' upon our initial decision to adopt internationally. But, up until now... all the taking away.. felt a little distant. The losses he had were a not directly caused my my hand... until yesterday. No longer at arms length... I was the guilty party- I filled out the forms, wrote the checks and held him while the judge made it official. My Son. My Sun. I'm taking away his Ethiopian citizenship. He cannot hold both. I took it away. He was scared- and sad. Probably for different reasons, but the sadness in his eyes reflected the feelings beneath the surface of me, that went unsaid. I took him away from all he once knew- and brought him to a place where a grown man will, the very next day, point his finger like a gun, at his head and shoot. I did this.
The joy in this is amazing- I was privileged to finally be able to be a part of an official part of this process. The sadness is deep. This is again, one of those moments when the emotion is so deep you cannot separate where the joy of expectation ends and the regret begins- as it is encompassed all in one act.
I certainly feel the pressure mounting to do right by this child.