Saturday, March 31, 2012


I'm really irritated/irate when people say things like:
-"You really got a good one" because he's cute or he's good or... whatever qualifier they add.

I've even heard other adoptive families refer to themselves the same way and it makes me really... ummm...  kinda pissed.

"I really hit the jackpot with this kid. She's so easy."

Somehow it twinges the same nerve when a grown adult repeats the "Why would I give birth again when there are so many kids no one wants. I'd rather just get one of them and save them."

Seriously? Why does it feel like the same snide remark?  "Oh ya. It's all so easy peasy and luck has SOO much to do with family building."

I think its the shallow surface of the sentiment that rubs me wrong. It pisses me off. And this is my blog. So I'm putting it out there.

I hope I never disregard your family, its crisis, its deep hard work, its diligent process, the depth of mourning, and breadth of healing by looking at a snapshot in time and say "Jackpot!" If I have... I am so deeply sorry.


findingmagnolia said...

So you're telling me it's wrong that I regularly tell people to aim lower with their expectations for their children, since I clearly have the best one with the most desirable attributes? Great. Now I'm going to have to come up with another topic for casual conversation with people I've just met. :-)

Leah said...

Lady at Home Depot walked up to me and the kids today, "Are they adopted?"
To which I responded, "No, I've had many lovers."

It gets super old. I have the same feelings. I'm glad we can share in that.


Shannon- said...

I should also add- Feel free to brag on your kids all you want! They are your children!! It's only the uber- superficial remarks (especially continued) that tweak a nerve. Go ahead and say them. I'm bugged by LOTS of things. And just because it rubs me wrong doesn't mean 'IT is wrong'. It means I'm snarky and suspicious of intentions.

Shannon- said...

Leah- I would LOVE to hear you say that!! Bahaa. To the little ol' Hawaiian ladies. Baaa ahaaa

aja said...

Leah- I love the "I've had many lovers" comment, that may be the best one I have heard so far.

I don't think people mean any harm by their comments when they say something like, "You've really hit the jackpot with that one." I think most people are trying to give a compliment and they don't think how the adoptive parent may be perceiving their comments along with all of the other comments. We are just beginning our adoption journey and people say things to me like, "Don't you want to have your own children?" because I do not have fertility issues (at least that I know of). Many people can not wrap their minds around the fact that we're choosing to adopt and that this is our first choice. In defending my opinion (not that I feel the need to to, I am just the "have to have the last word" types), I have said, why wouldn't I adopt a child who needs a home instead of having my own. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is not my only reason, I am not trying to "save" anyone. I do not feel that a child needs to come out of my body to be mine.

S said...

Nobody says that kind of shite with a bio kid, I will not do well if/when somebody says that to me when we have Aberash home.

Barbaloot said...

Oh yeah. It's all in the tone and context. It's one thing to think wow, my child is amazing, I am so blessed... and quite another to say similar words that somehow come across like you had a good day at the flea market or something, like the expectation was that your child is the exception among all those other awful, damaged ones you could have wound up adopting. I've had a couple of comments... it's the tone of surprise, like oh wow, contrary to what we expected, your child is actually not horrible!

Shannon- said...

Aja-- I get what you are saying, and yes tone is important. I'm speaking specifically about the tones that are so quick to assume how 'easy' and 'smart' it is to just go 'get one' that needs a house to live in. As if they're imagining going to the local human society and picking up the cutest, declawed, nonallergenic, potty trained, purrfect cat who happens to also match their favorite purse. How LUCKY was that!!? As if this particular child is somehow completely immune to the trauma that their cousins, boyfriends sisters adopted kid from Rushikastad went through. "You really lucked out. Thank goodness you got a 'good' one."

Um. "Thanks?"