To improve my thought process.
To stop thinking in status update dialogue -ese.
To stop relying on the external- people, friends, searches for answers.
To start praying first.
To start relying on God first.
To improve my prayer life.
Bear with me...
It isn't a secret, that we are in a situation, for which I'm completely unprepared. That things feel rather desperate. I'm the first to admit that I wander so far from him, when things are smooth sailing. How quick to turn, I am. I'm ashamed of that. I hope I'm getting better.
I could wait until Lent is over and point out all the things that clearly were God gifts throughout this season. But I'm going to step out in faith here and praise him now. I hope I get better at giving thanks everyday.
I was recently a finalist for a position. I was told yesterday, they decided on another candidate. It would have required locating, to a place that has been a DREAM most of my life. Gorgeous. Even in winter. The best funded school system in the entire state. Possibly more diverse population than here (despite its remote location). A worthy compensation package. An opportunity for expansion of my own experience and future mobility. I was really looking forward to it.
Make no mistake, I invested a lot of resources. Days of favor asking, so I could put presentations together, finding past work product, creating examples, reviewing them all so as to be familiar and put into context of this position. Six hours driving time alone. Hours upon hours of sleep lost, researching. I was not unprepared.
I think this marks the 3rd time I remember, interviewing for a position and not being offered the job (and the first 2 were in my early 20's).
Yesterday I was sad. Really. I pulled off a half hearted "Thank you Lord", for having mercy and sparing me from unknown." I said it, but, didn't feel it in my heart."Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will feel thankful." Most of the day my entire body felt... something. Odd. Visceral. Sad? Excitement? Nerves? Something?
Today, I awoke and gave thanks. Promptly decided, we needed a mental health day. Together. So we did.
For brief moments, here and there, I do in fact feel a heart bursting gratefulness for the mercy of not being chosen. For the headaches unknown, that could have been. And for the Grace and unknowns that lay ahead.
So today- I
I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel really scared. Yet what I 'feel' and what I KNOW are two different things. Today I chose what I know. I know what is written and I know he is holding us. For I clearly can not do this without him. Let the glory of our story be His. When we are a well oiled machine, in a situation far grander than I can imagine at this point (I'm not talking wealth and position here), you will all know, that I had little to NOTHING to do with it. For I've just shown you that I did everything possible, for a position I was well qualified for, and it wasn't for me to do. What comes next and next has to be Him. I have nothing left. I'm not saying that in a whiny tone. Just as a fact. I'm tapped. The only one left is Him.
So I praise him for his Mercy of sparing me. And I praise him for the Grace of what will be. If you pray, would you pray that too? Thank you.