Friday, March 16, 2012

fB Fasting. Why?

Why did I give up fB for lent?

To improve my thought process.
To stop thinking in status update dialogue -ese.
To stop relying on the external- people, friends, searches for answers.
To start praying first.
To start relying on God first.
To improve my prayer life.

Bear with me...
It isn't a secret, that we are in a situation, for which I'm completely unprepared. That things feel rather desperate. I'm the first to admit that I wander so far from him, when things are smooth sailing. How quick to turn, I am. I'm ashamed of that. I hope I'm getting better.

I could wait until Lent is over and point out all the things that clearly were God gifts throughout this season. But I'm going to step out in faith here and praise him now. I hope I get better at giving thanks everyday.


I was recently a finalist for a position. I was told yesterday, they decided on another candidate. It would have required locating, to a place that has been a DREAM most of my life. Gorgeous. Even in winter. The best funded school system in the entire state. Possibly more diverse population than here (despite its remote location). A worthy compensation package. An opportunity for expansion of my own experience and future mobility.  I was really looking forward to it.

Make no mistake, I invested a lot of resources. Days of favor asking, so I could put presentations together, finding past work product, creating examples, reviewing them all so as to be familiar and put into context of this position. Six hours driving time alone. Hours upon hours of sleep lost, researching. I was not unprepared.

I think this marks the 3rd time I remember, interviewing for a position and not being offered the job (and the first 2 were in my early 20's).

Yesterday I was sad. Really. I pulled off a half hearted "Thank you Lord", for having mercy and sparing me from unknown." I said it, but, didn't feel it in my heart."Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will feel thankful." Most of the day my entire body felt... something. Odd. Visceral. Sad? Excitement? Nerves? Something?

Today, I awoke and gave thanks. Promptly decided, we needed a mental health day. Together. So we did.

For brief moments, here and there, I do in fact feel a heart bursting gratefulness for the mercy of not being chosen. For the headaches unknown, that could have been. And for the Grace and unknowns that lay ahead.

So today- I stand before you sit on my tookus, and say to you with full faith of the future. That God does have a plan for us. For me and my guy. I have some suspicions here and there... some bits that may come. I know that good things are happening RIGHT NOW. And I know, I can not see them. I can NOT. Not with a 4 million candle watt flashlight. I can not.Yet, great things ARE Happening NOW.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel really scared. Yet what I 'feel' and what I KNOW are two different things. Today I chose what I know. I know what is written and I know he is holding us. For I clearly can not do this without him. Let the glory of our story be His. When we are a well oiled machine, in a situation far grander than I can imagine at this point (I'm not talking wealth and position here), you will all know, that I had little to NOTHING to do with it. For I've just shown you that I did everything possible, for a position I was well qualified for, and it wasn't for me to do. What comes next and next has to be Him. I have nothing left. I'm not saying that in a whiny tone. Just as a fact. I'm tapped. The only one left is Him.

So I praise him for his Mercy of sparing me. And I praise him for the Grace of what will be. If you pray, would you pray that too? Thank you.


S said...

I am sorry you didn't get that position, but I don't think you are off your mark thinking there is another plan growing in place for you and your boy...when time and place are ready. Til then breathe softly.

The Lost Planetista said...

I don't know what the overall plan is for you and your dear boy. I do know that it's going to be okay. I'm sorry you didn't get the job.
And? I love your version of a mental health day. I need one of those.

Shannon- said...

*EDIT* I don't know what I was thinking??? Third time?! I've interviewed tons lately and not been hired or even asked back. I guess this 'season' is like one big giant 'interview'.

Diana said...

Sorry to hear things are rough. Sometimes it's hard to keep holding on and trusting...but it's worth it in the end.

If you haven't already done so, come find me on my new blog I had to take my previous blog (gold to refine) private before my final "I've moved" post made it to most of the feed readers. Many don't know that my old blog has gone private and that I'm no longer posting to it...or that I'm still blogging in a new location. But I am! Feel free to share my new location with others as well.

Kim said...

Thanks for your honesty here, friend. You've maybe already read this, but I think this post has some wise things to say at the end about God giving us more than we can handle. I found it both thought-provoking and true. Hang in there!

Shannon- said...

Kim. That was so.dead.on. Thank you.