Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I Remember...

  • when sleep dictated every waking moment.
  • falling in love with the car seat.
  • driving around for 90 minutes hoping for 20 minutes of sleep.
  • when nap fail made me a failure.
  • tossing cacooning to the wind, in favor of being "out" and visiting as that was SO much easier than the uncertainty/agony of just us home alone. 
  • the day I fell to my knees screaming at God that I couldn't do it, that He had to, cause I had nothing left.
  • the moment he picked me up, and did it all. "Grace. Amazing Grace." And I sang that song for weeks thereafter.
  • when walking and holding hands, meant me leaning to the side to be able to reach his.
  • how he felt in that ergo.
  • when 6 dinner plate sized pancakes was a meal. Every meal.
  • when slurping noodles was the funniest thing ever.
  • changing that first diaper and how it seemed bad. But not *that* horrible.
  • the stink 2 weeks later, that seemed to permeate every pore, cell and air particle. 
  • wondering if I'd ever be able to smell anything besides that caustic gas and shit.
  • trying to stop *behaviors* as being the 'goal'. 
  • seeing him touch the dog for the first time, without screaming bloody murder in nervous fear.

I remember, still to this day, feeling this post from only 4 weeks home. I'm still scarred by those early weeks and months. Scarred by what I thought I could do on my own. Scared when I realized being a mother to this child was not bringing out the best in me that I envisioned. Scared that I wasn't good enough for him. All those emotions, stirred up, and unable to focus, unable to have any perspective, feeling like a complete failure, and that pissed me off. Truly.

A blessing, given, though undeserved. 
My son. 

A family. 

Becoming a mother. Sometimes a good one. Trust me when I say, this would not have been possible without God's Grace.

Amazing Grace. 

Thank you.


Kim said...

beautiful, Shannon. so much wisdom. how much we need to rely on Grace. we can't do it alone. never could.

scooping it up said...

just lovely. getting a bit weepy. love you guys. time does wonders yes?

Annie said...

Beautiful post

findingmagnolia said...

Love the post, but mostly I'm looking at the last photo and going, "OHMYGOODNESS TINY BABY BOY!" He has grown so much, in every way. You've done a wonderful job, mama.

Claudia said...

Hooray for progress, and hooray for wonderful, amazing, undeserved grace!