I am so Grateful. GREAT. FULL. that there are women and men in this world like Miss Julie and her family.
The boy and I have been here 4+ weeks. We were together, for what felt like an eternity (1 week) in Ethiopia. Today... Today... it all came crashing down.
He is great.
He is a champ.
He is doing better than me.
In over 5 weeks- this moment... This one right now- as I'm typing- is the only one I remember being alone. (and he's asleep 5 feet away!) (Sleeping... NOT ON TOP OF ME!!)
How are we really doing? I can't answer. I have no perspective. I'm in the thick of it and can't see through the weeds. Literally. Zero. Perspective.
I read the books and the blogs and the rights, wrongs, bests and suggested means of getting through. But you know what. I don't remember anyone writing anything in any attachment parenting about alternatives for single parenting. Seriously. Could someone have made even a parenthetical mention about possibly finding alternatives. Cause I'm fearful I'm creating a monster and I'm turning into the ugliest part of myself- and I don't like it. Don't like it at all.
He is great.
I need a reset button.
Days like.... this week- I try to keep remembering the Monday in the orphanage- The day after the Special Sunday- that we didn't get to see them at all. I remember his face when he heard my voice. That laugh. That sense. That hand pulling me down the stairs. That boy who loved that I was there. Today I remind myself- to just be there.
I re read this entry from Julie. Really I only needed the first couple paragraphs... no judgement till six months. We haven't hit six weeks (believe it or not). Thank you Julie. I've said it all before a hundred times and you've heard it from thousands. You- are a gift that keeps on giving.