Thursday, February 25, 2010

U.G.L.Y. I don't need no alibi...

I am so Grateful. GREAT. FULL. that there are women and men in this world like Miss Julie and her family. 

The boy and I have been here 4+ weeks. We were together, for what felt like an eternity (1 week) in Ethiopia.  Today... Today... it all came crashing down.

He is great.

He is a champ.

He is doing better than me.

In over 5 weeks- this moment... This one right now- as I'm typing- is the only one I remember being alone. (and he's asleep 5 feet away!) (Sleeping... NOT ON TOP OF ME!!)

How are we really doing?  I can't answer. I have no perspective. I'm in the thick of it and can't see through the weeds. Literally. Zero. Perspective.

I read the books and the blogs and the rights, wrongs, bests and suggested means of getting through.  But you know what. I don't remember anyone writing anything in any attachment parenting about alternatives for single parenting.  Seriously.  Could someone have made even a parenthetical mention about possibly finding alternatives.  Cause I'm fearful I'm creating a monster and I'm turning into the ugliest part of myself- and I don't like it. Don't like it at all.

He is great.

I'm U.G.L.Y.

I need a reset button.

Days like.... this week- I try to keep remembering the Monday in the orphanage- The day after the Special Sunday- that we didn't get to see them at all. I remember his face when he heard my voice. That laugh. That sense. That hand pulling me down the stairs. That boy who loved that I was there. Today I remind myself- to just be there.

I re read this entry from Julie. Really I only needed the first couple paragraphs... no judgement till six months.   We haven't hit six weeks (believe it or not).  Thank you Julie. I've said it all before a hundred times and you've heard it from thousands.  You- are a gift that keeps on giving.

8 comments:

Bonnie said...

If you need to talk - please just drop me a line on my blog and I'll call you. It can be tough at first and though I'm not a single mom I have BTDT with a toddler - it isn't easy, it is worth it, but it isn't easy.

And when did you get a private blog? When I was in ET - can I get an invite??

Liz said...

Oh Shannon...I don't know what to say that you will actually believe...it does get better, but I don't think there's anything you can do to MAKE it get better, you just have to keep giving it time and keep forgiving yourself and keep opening your heart to him.

Jennifer M said...

Going from 0 to 1 was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It didn't help that my daughter had attachment issues, and if I'm honest with myself, so did I. I struggled, I cried, I yelled. I felt like the biggest failure ever. I had to take one day at a time, one week at a time. After awhile, it hit me that there were finally more good moments in a day than bad (for both of us), and more good than bad in a week. It took about 3 months just to get to that halfway point. Seven months for the sleep issues to work out, and 10 months home before it finally felt like we were THERE. You know what I mean. It was the toughest most heart and mind wrenching journey of my life, but now that I'm on the other side, so incredibly worth it. The struggles brought us closer together. The fight brought out the rawness in both of us. We both had to dig out the gunk we kept wrapped inside, and trust each other enough to throw it on the ground and really look at each other and really SEE each other. That took time.

Hang in there my friend (I know- the dumbest words ever as what else can you do?). I pray that you get to that point sooner than we did. It will all be worth it, and next year at this time, you'll be able to look back with clarity and understand why you were presented with these struggles. I know that doesn't make it any easier right now. Just know that everything is normal- you are normal, T is normal, both of your feelings and struggles are perfectly normal- even the not so fun ones. Much love to you both.

Staci said...

Shannon, I can't pretend to know what it is like to single parent. Even when my hubby is gone sometimes for weeks on end in travel and I am flying solo, I know it's not the same thing.

But I do know what it feels like to not have a shred of anything left to give to these little people who need so much.

Try to shower. And remember that with God, nothing is impossible. I believe this, though I lose faith sometimes.

You and Teggy are in my prayers. Again, wishing we could come swoop in and play and give you a moment or two of support.

Gretchen said...

(((Shannon))) Feeling like you, in a way. Only been home one week ago today. Hoping bonding goes fast for all of us!

Our journey following Christ said...

You know, I always tell myself when I have 'days' like these is that, "God's mercies are new for me every morning." And because of this, even when I fail miserably as a mother on any given day, I remind myself that my mercies for my kids need to be new and fresh every morning. A fresh start.

Also, give yourself time. Attachment takes time. Exhaustion hampers this. Exhaustion, both emotional and physical leads to confusion and stress.

Give yourself time. Go get a massage. Give yourself time to bond and take some time for yourself to think.

Give yourself slack.

I'll pray for you,
Laura

You're normal:)

Shannon- said...

Geez Stace-- didn't know you could smell me clear from here... should have figured!

Erin Moore said...

Parenting brings out the ugliest in all of us - bio or adopted. Give yourself some grace, girl!