Semi-Feral Mama wrote this (on the surface, the context in which she wrote it has little baring to my relation to it-- but, deeper, exasperated state... it rings true):
In the midst of particularly difficult days, weeks, (ok- months)- these sentiments are so clear in my head. That I can NOT get OUT of it. We MUST GO THROUGH IT. I want a break. My introverted mind needs it. But this little crisis is not about me. He can push me away - harder and harder and harder- each time reinforcing that I need to stay. Be present. Look at his face. Do not escape.
"What's wrong with you?"
Tired. It's just catching up to me. He's had a difficult week (truth is we're going on months- but this was harder than most- poor guy)
"Well, why not just drop him here and go take a nap (or better yet clean your house- it wasn't said but historically implied...) "
Thank you for the offer. As much as I really really want to take you up on it and he is asking for that- I have to decline. I know he needs me to stay with him. Leaving him at all would not be getting us through and I wouldn't get any rest. But thanks.
"Well. You know. You have to consider that most of this stuff is perfectly normal for his age."
No, it.. (kneejerk reaction). Ok. Well thank you anyway. I'll talk to you later. (recover and no energy to justify.... )
Note to all you soon to be parents- it being "perfectly normal for his age" does NOT MAKE IT EASIER PEOPLE! In fact it makes these parenting decisions "how do I best handle this for this child?" more difficult!!
You've heard it time and again- people are just not going to get it. And they won't.
To those closest to me, the knee jerk reaction is to try and justify it- explain it- what ever. Take it from me. It doesn't matter if it's your best friend or your mother- do not waste your energy attempting to justify why things are tough. They just effing are. And the only way through- is through. And attempting to educate others- is far to exhausting when you are constantly navigating the parenting learning curve.
Sometimes I suck at this. I mean big time suck. Although, most of the time now, - I just don't know how I'm doing? I wonder- how do I know if I'm handling it right? How do I know if I'm doing right by him? To this there are no answers. There is no one to bounce this off. Those are the loneliest times. When I sit in church praying to God, because really, there is no one else.
PS- Just after I posted this I began to wonder- is there a way through this without taking the weight of what he bares. Is there a way to hold their hand through these times, without feeling the pain. Without the images of what they endure, going through your mind? Weighing us down? Heavy on our heart? In a way it seems disingenuous to take on their pain. It was theirs- don't take it way. But then again- we are parents. Do parents not feel the pain of their children? And yet- if I could- go through this- beside him- without carrying the weight- I think I could do better by him- at least in these times of crisis. Maybe? I don't know. What do you think?
PSS- Is there a way through extended 'crisis' 'traumaversary' without making that the status quo? This i must master....
|Today: I am thankful that the snow & ice is gone and buds are beginning to bloom. A new day is on the horizon.|