I'm declaring this the "New Day". It matters not that for the first time in-- a long time- - my son did not sleep through the night. Yes he's still thrashing and talking in his sleep. Yes. He is still needy clingy and pushing me away all at the same time. But today. Today things change.
Today is the last day of 'school' for the summer.
Deleted a bunch of boring explanation just to say...... So that has left, this 4 year old boy- who is quickly developing *some* 4 year old abilities in a classroom with 18-30 month old kiddos.
I would NEVER wish 2year old regressive needs and behaviors in a 4 year old body on my worst enemy (seriously- wouldn't do it!) And yet, I *think* that this will prove exactly what he needed for a time. I *think* this is helping to develop parts of the brain and synapses and bonding etc that he totally missed. I *know* what was going on with him when he was 18- 24+ months old. He was starving. Literally.
So as hard and difficult and gut wrenching and ugly and second guessing and tear driven and exhausting as this has been for him (and me)- I think it has and will prove beneficial to my babies brain and thought process.
As regressive as he's been- he's also been charging forward with very 4 year old appropriate stuff. Asking how to spell. Getting himself dressed (sometimes without prompting- gasp!). Buckling his self in car seat. Stretching his former limits of physical abilities. Not just physical stuff. Communication. Using empathy words. Taking on household chores as his own, with his own initiative. Having a conversation that includes back and forth talking. Imaginative play has finally been introduced in these parts. These are just some of the things that the past 3 months have brought forth.
But you can see why it is hard to parent. He is disorganized. One moment he may be 4. The next 2. The next 4. The next both at the same time which causes him to panic and fall apart. This is why, I've sounded so.. melodramatic. It was Dra-matic. I don't typically like drama. But- if that is what my son is bringing to the table- OK. I'm going to embrace it from here forward!
*Today* he starts teeball with other 4 & 5 year olds (*although its raining and scheduled to do so for the next month... ) One day each week we will, also, join a homeschooling group with a science teacher for field trips (similar to the ones we did over April vacation).
*Today* I will embrace my sons need to explore and not be sedentary. I will embrace his chaotic movements in hopes he finds comfort in them, or simply learns more about his body. I will embrace my son when he needs it or asks for it. Today I will no longer search for conformity that lies only in my own screwed up view of the world. Today I will no longer get frustrated with my sons unwillingness or inability to follow directions. Today I will not say "Don't do that! You might....(insert old wives tale, dramatic catastrophe, get wet, get dirty or bump your head)". I will NOT SAY IT! Today, I will revel in the beautiful, full of life, hurts, laughter, pain, love, kindness and unique perspective that he embodies. He is the child I always wished for. Today I will be the mother I always wanted to be. Flaws and all. Today I will be a role model for my child in mannerisms, duty, charity, kindness, communication, empathy and love. (*today*- we all know I will need to come back and read this over and over again of this commitment I make)
Yes. Today is a new day. We are shaking those toddlers out of our days. We are letting the one that lives here remain for as long as he needs. (and if the needs get more than what either of us can handle- we've got the number to our therapist and the store up the street sells beer and Ben & Jerry's) We are embracing our differences. We are looking forward to what lies ahead, knowing full well, these days of summer come and go swiftly. (The reality is- it hasn' hit 60 degrees here yet- but I'm going to not let that get us down or hold us back. Puddle boots warm cloths and rain coats may be our summer wardrobe but today I'm embracing it!)