Opining...

I'm really irritated/irate when people say things like:
-"You really got a good one" because he's cute or he's good or... whatever qualifier they add.

I've even heard other adoptive families refer to themselves the same way and it makes me really... ummm...  kinda pissed.

"I really hit the jackpot with this kid. She's so easy."

Somehow it twinges the same nerve when a grown adult repeats the "Why would I give birth again when there are so many kids no one wants. I'd rather just get one of them and save them."

Seriously? Why does it feel like the same snide remark?  "Oh ya. It's all so easy peasy and luck has SOO much to do with family building."

I think its the shallow surface of the sentiment that rubs me wrong. It pisses me off. And this is my blog. So I'm putting it out there.

I hope I never disregard your family, its crisis, its deep hard work, its diligent process, the depth of mourning, and breadth of healing by looking at a snapshot in time and say "Jackpot!" If I have... I am so deeply sorry.

Wicked Sense of Humor...

Seriously... I'm laughing a mile a minute here. It's that.. or cry.

Wednesday. Walk in Woods...

It was a two-fer kind of day...

Soaring Sunday

Soar 

Can he? Can I let him? Can I empower him? Can I stop him?

Is it possible to give him the gift of full potential and then hold onto it inside a bullet proof bubble?

How do I teach him to be his full self? A strong, smart, bold black young man. 

At the same time "slow down", "hold back" "be leery of your skin?"

Flashback Friay

First meet Jan 2010

March 2010

March 2011

March 2012

Wicked Sense of Humor...

Alternate title options:

*What the heck was He thinking.
*You've GOT to be kidding.
*There is nothing left to do but laugh.
*God trusts me too much.

Since last here praising all His good works the following are examples of what has happened-

• car got backed into

• Son taught another child how to sneak out of his house. 

• Dog shit in the 'on deck' laundry pile and apparently covered it up. I didn't notice. Till I took the clothes out of the dryer (yes they had been washed and dried with it!) and everything smelled like... well... shit. (our dog weighs maybe 7 pounds so can I be excused for not noticing the little turds?).

• We officially entered our dysregulation phase that will continue to spiral until July 1 when everything will suddenly be sunshine and roses again.

• I've lost misplaced my keys.

• I've lost misplaced buried my sense of humor. Perhaps its underneath the laundry pile. 

• As I was preparing to wash the 20 dirty dishes piled perilously on the 2 feet of counter space, my brother dropped off my 2 youngest nephews and into the kitchen they burst with energy. In the "can I" "can I's" chaos, I bent down to pick something up, just as 5yo reached into the cupboard above the perilous pile of dishes. You know what happens next right? Sure enough he knocked something from the cupboard above, which fell onto the perilous pile, which proceeded to topple off the counter and onto me. "Seriously?!?! God? Are you serious here?" Is all I could say.  Next words "Screw the dishes.  Boys get your boots on we're going on a mud hunt!"

• I've learned to spell perilous.

• Son taught my nephews how to lock me out of my house... completely.

• Not to be outsmarted by a small dog, the on deck laundry has since been moved back into its righful place- the hamper. So she just shit on the floor in front of the toilet. In front of the toilet that I was desperate to get to use after just getting back in the house and needed 'to go' reeeeeeaaaallly bad. 

• We're all out of carpet cleaner.

Before I venture too far into the wa wa wahs, pity party... let me find some things to be grateful for in this because surely there is much:

• Thank GOD the lady backed into my car instead of one of the children, who had simultaneously secretly escaped the house and whereabouts unknown at the time. (see above where my son taught another how to sneak out of house)

• I have a working washer and dryer in our house!

• Our little dog is losing many functions yet I've been blessed to have had many years with her and she has taught my son many lessons on how to treat the living and fragile.

• Our backyard is a nearly endless range of discovery, adventure, imagination and sensory input.

• Amazingly, in our country, even those with no money or resources, have plenty of access to food. This is why our dishes are dirty- because we ATE off of them. Provision. Thank you!! For food I do not worry. Releasing of my burden- thank you!

Wednesday. Walk in Woods...

Ok. Not exactly a walk. 3 hours of biking with a curious child equates to about 1.5-2 miles and zero expectations of any actual physical exertion on the adults part.

He is curious. Very. Although certainly not on the 'early reader' track yet- his interests seem to lean toward physics, mechanics and problem solving. Upon reaching a small marsh area with a drainage culvert being blocked by a fallen tree he recognized the 'dam' effect. Upon me trying to move the tree- he said "Hey Momma. I think you need some leverage. I'll look for a strong branch."

Umm. Ya. He really said that.

Then again...

Later he tipped the bike over. (He's too big for it and the trainers don't really do much after a certain point. He's top heavy. Needs a 'roll over warning' on his visor.).  He diagnosed the reason like this.. "It tipped over because the pedals were too dense."

I have no idea what that means either. Nor where he came across that word. I'm no physics professor. And I don't remember reading that in any of our Dr. Seuss' or Robert McClosky's lately.

Go ahead and give me crap about no helmet. Yup. I forgot them.

"I'm sweating" he decided. So off with the coat.Then camera battery died.

fB Fasting. Why?

Why did I give up fB for lent?

To improve my thought process.
To stop thinking in status update dialogue -ese.
To stop relying on the external- people, friends, searches for answers.
To start praying first.
To start relying on God first.
To improve my prayer life.


Bear with me...
It isn't a secret, that we are in a situation, for which I'm completely unprepared. That things feel rather desperate. I'm the first to admit that I wander so far from him, when things are smooth sailing. How quick to turn, I am. I'm ashamed of that. I hope I'm getting better.

I could wait until Lent is over and point out all the things that clearly were God gifts throughout this season. But I'm going to step out in faith here and praise him now. I hope I get better at giving thanks everyday.

****

I was recently a finalist for a position. I was told yesterday, they decided on another candidate. It would have required locating, to a place that has been a DREAM most of my life. Gorgeous. Even in winter. The best funded school system in the entire state. Possibly more diverse population than here (despite its remote location). A worthy compensation package. An opportunity for expansion of my own experience and future mobility.  I was really looking forward to it.

Make no mistake, I invested a lot of resources. Days of favor asking, so I could put presentations together, finding past work product, creating examples, reviewing them all so as to be familiar and put into context of this position. Six hours driving time alone. Hours upon hours of sleep lost, researching. I was not unprepared.

I think this marks the 3rd time I remember, interviewing for a position and not being offered the job (and the first 2 were in my early 20's).

Yesterday I was sad. Really. I pulled off a half hearted "Thank you Lord", for having mercy and sparing me from unknown." I said it, but, didn't feel it in my heart."Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will feel thankful." Most of the day my entire body felt... something. Odd. Visceral. Sad? Excitement? Nerves? Something?

Today, I awoke and gave thanks. Promptly decided, we needed a mental health day. Together. So we did.

For brief moments, here and there, I do in fact feel a heart bursting gratefulness for the mercy of not being chosen. For the headaches unknown, that could have been. And for the Grace and unknowns that lay ahead.


So today- I stand before you sit on my tookus, and say to you with full faith of the future. That God does have a plan for us. For me and my guy. I have some suspicions here and there... some bits that may come. I know that good things are happening RIGHT NOW. And I know, I can not see them. I can NOT. Not with a 4 million candle watt flashlight. I can not.Yet, great things ARE Happening NOW.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel scared. I feel really scared. Yet what I 'feel' and what I KNOW are two different things. Today I chose what I know. I know what is written and I know he is holding us. For I clearly can not do this without him. Let the glory of our story be His. When we are a well oiled machine, in a situation far grander than I can imagine at this point (I'm not talking wealth and position here), you will all know, that I had little to NOTHING to do with it. For I've just shown you that I did everything possible, for a position I was well qualified for, and it wasn't for me to do. What comes next and next has to be Him. I have nothing left. I'm not saying that in a whiny tone. Just as a fact. I'm tapped. The only one left is Him.

So I praise him for his Mercy of sparing me. And I praise him for the Grace of what will be. If you pray, would you pray that too? Thank you.

I Remember...

• when sleep dictated every waking moment.
• falling in love with the car seat.
• driving around for 90 minutes hoping for 20 minutes of sleep.
• when nap fail made me a failure.
• tossing cacooning to the wind, in favor of being "out" and visiting as that was SO much easier than the uncertainty/agony of just us home alone. 
• the day I fell to my knees screaming at God that I couldn't do it, that He had to, cause I had nothing left.
• the moment he picked me up, and did it all. "Grace. Amazing Grace." And I sang that song for weeks thereafter.
• when walking and holding hands, meant me leaning to the side to be able to reach his.
• how he felt in that ergo.
• when 6 dinner plate sized pancakes was a meal. Every meal.
• when slurping noodles was the funniest thing ever.
• changing that first diaper and how it seemed bad. But not *that* horrible.
• the stink 2 weeks later, that seemed to permeate every pore, cell and air particle. 
• wondering if I'd ever be able to smell anything besides that caustic gas and shit.
• trying to stop *behaviors* as being the 'goal'. 
• seeing him touch the dog for the first time, without screaming bloody murder in nervous fear.

I remember, still to this day, feeling this post from only 4 weeks home. I'm still scarred by those early weeks and months. Scarred by what I thought I could do on my own. Scared when I realized being a mother to this child was not bringing out the best in me that I envisioned. Scared that I wasn't good enough for him. All those emotions, stirred up, and unable to focus, unable to have any perspective, feeling like a complete failure, and that pissed me off. Truly.

Grace. 

A blessing, given, though undeserved. 

 

My son. 

A family. 

Becoming a mother. Sometimes a good one. Trust me when I say, this would not have been possible without God's Grace.

Amazing Grace. 

Thank you.

Soaring Sunday

Wednesday. Walk in Woods...

We seem to have good luck in finding heavy equipment along the way. This is a Skidder (for those unaware).

These piles represent the work of a Skidder. Skidder tracks, so to speak. 

More Tracks! Squirrel. Fox. Raccoon. I think?

Somehow goes against his nature to stay too long on a path made before him. (Nature/Nurture?)

He's far more comfortable, finding his own way, deeming it the best path.

After months of "raw milk" only (mainly), I caved and said 'sure' to a DQ kiddie cone with sprinkles. Our beautiful harmonious day came to a quick end about 2 hours later when H.e.l.l. came to our house. Lesson: Kiddie Cones are too much of a good thing.

Zombified.

Recipes and Foods That Work For Us

Chicken Tortilla Soup
This one works for both of us.

2 chicken thighs (bones & skin too)
1 Pablano Pepper
1/2 c red onion
Garlic. Lots. 3 cloves maybe
2 cups soaked black beans or 1 can rinsed
2 cups corn or 1 can drained
1 can of Rotel tomatoes (or a can of diced tomatoes and small can of chopped chilies)
3T tomato paste
3T corn flour/meal
Olive oil
1T cumin*
1T chili powder*
1T garlic powder*
salt**

*these are approximates as the original recipe called for teaspoons and I screwed it up
**using the 'canned' products and the extra spices I found no need to add salt

• Boiled Chicken in water till done. 
• Remove chicken from pot. 
• Save Broth in another container.
• Add about a cup of broth to small pot off to side and add a handful of lentils. Cook them up good.
• Removed bones and skin from chicken. Cut up chicken. Set aside.
• Reduce heat and add Olive oil, onion, garlic and pablano. Just don't let garlic burn. Cook for a few.
• Add spices into pot. (cumin, chili and garlic powder)
• stir up.
• Add chicken. Stir and let it sit together for a bit.
• Throw in Rotels or tomatoes and chili peppers
• Add tomato paste, corn and beans.
• Add the entire contents of Lentil pot and the broth (from boiled chicken) back to soup
• Off to the side- add the 3T corn flour to a bit of water (broth from soup). Mix it up and add it to the soup.
• Bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 30-60 minutes. At some point I added a handful of dried cilantro and let it sit till dinner time.

He loves this as soup (sometimes add shredded cheese and crushed tortilla chips). And over rice for when we need to be less messy. Serve also with berbere (of course). I want to attempt this in crock. Maybe simple. May need to still do onions/peppers/garlic/spices first for a while.?

This recipe was inspired by the Pioneer Woman recipe (Obviously her pictures are better!). But I added and subtracted a few things for convenience, extra kick and make it more filling (and more protein) for my boy who doesn't like to slow down to eat but absolutely MUST to thrive.

Sunday Smile...

Glorious Hair

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=gPhuYG2_gQk