Is that what it is- I'm not sure.
I do not need a break. I have short breaks built into routine. One of which is EXTREMELY positive for both of us. The other- creates more chaos for me to manage.
I realized- 10 minutes ago- THAT relationship- the chaotic one--- is co-dependent. When I think of leaving, it's as scary as thinking of not. There is "history" (and ongoing) with boundaries... or, more precisely, a lack there of. And- it makes me snap.
Its hard for me to keep these healthy boundaries in place for my son. He needs them. I NEED THEM. (I should point out that "Personal Boundaries" are a relatively new excercise in my life, so I really do have to WORK at them... many years of therapy...)These help maintain structure and routine. Lack of either equates to all out chaos. Inside him- that he just CAN NOT HANDLE. (I almost used the word "control"- but that word is a whole greater issue of this 3 year old). I struggle with maintaining them, even without interference and judgment and expectation from others. But- add them in and it's beginning to feel like a house of cards, or that old game "Don't spill the beans". (Add just one more and it's all gonna come crashing down around me.) Except I think each of these beans weighs approximately one gross ton.
I don't need a break. I need to be better. He needs me to be better. He needs to be better. He needs me to support him. He needs me focused on him.
I don't need a break. I need help.
It is times like this- I crave the supportive, strong (ruggedly handsome anamored with me and my son) positive parenting partner.
It is also times like this- that I adore my adoptive family friends. Most of you readers- who have kids at home- kids who are from "the hard stuff"- know- that there is NOTHING like an adoptive parent who has walked that familiar path. One who has felt the bumps, bruises, scratches. One who has watched for the things you watch for. Who instinctively knows that it is NOT "normal" (what ever that is supposed to mean-??). The one who will watch, listen and say- "I agree. I think you have a right to be concerned. This is what I see...."
The one- who by simply virtue of being there. By spending the day with you and letting the kids play together. By simply letting that happen. Is helping me. Is not giving me a "break", but is helping. No judgement. No justification. No expectations.
It may not be much to some. But it is priceless.
Let's not forget she is forgiving and patient when you whine on and on about your own endless issues and thoughts and scares and theories and conjectures and tears.
This post did not go in the direction I expected. But- it helped me to redirect and think about how to handle this week. How to do what NEEDS to be done. Thank you my friends. Both physical and virtual. On this roller coaster... with huge climbs and giant drops... you keep me breathing. I don't know, where we'll be- on another high or struggling through the valley- by they time this is published but.... we will still be here.
We are back in survival mode for a little bit. See you on the other side