Adoption, it is a process of saying yes, repeatedly, again and again, over the course of many months. When things change with your job, you have choices to make. When things change in your personal life, you have choices. The economy bottoms out, you have more choices. When things change in your heart, you have choices. It is an amazing process that tests us along the way and requires us to say yes, again and again.
It wears on you. Wears you down. At some point: you give it all up. Give it all to God, because you are broken and can’t take it on your own. You make peace with what will be, give up all sense of control and place your trust in the Big Guy. Peace.
Peace is fleeting.
Something happens at your agency. You lose your specialist. You lose another one. They restructure. Expected referral times increase. Three months later, they increase again. Referrals grind to a painfully slow pace. “All is fine.”, they say. “No need to worry.”
New regulations are rumored in country. Closing all single adoptions. Extra medical testing required. More signatures needed. Family members must appear in court. More hardship on others so that you can have a family. You feel selfish. You feel ignorant. You feel lost. You feel out of control. Mourning. Loss. Anxiety heightens. Your insides are a mess. You mind doesn’t rest. Your body rebels. You begin to not recognize yourself. You are no longer the person that started this journey in ernest.
You struggle to gain control again. Move things along. Hurry it up before it all goes away. You question if you are really supposed to be here anyway. You question if it will ever really happen. You question if this is really your path. All at the same time fighting for control... with God . . . . again.
Did I ever really let it go? Did I ever really give it all to Him? Will I ever?