Stop here. Two for you

Absolute must reads. Must. Go read. Ponder. Stretch. Rethink. Ask. Speak. Empower. Go. Do it. Now.

Claudia's Wall. Part one. Click

Gracelings: On Ignorance, &, OWS, and Ethics:

Edit: Claudia has follow up. Be nice people.

Friends

Before the mom's knew what was happening. Before the mom's were even in the picture these two had each other.

The Fear...

Preparing to travel to Ethiopia was the kneebuckling part of the journey for me. At least, until the point the bags were checked in at the airport. (I didn't even care that they told us upon checking in that there was no way they would arrive in Addis... whatev')

Little whispers in my ear. Little images in the night. Thoughts of the "What if" scenarios. But one- one scenario stuck. I could see it happening. Here the voices. Picture the room. Even now when I think back on that 'scene', I picture my fear scene- not the real one.

I prayed. Oh brother where art thou, did I pray. Great big sobbing, giant tears on my knees, pull the car over, hide under my desk, can't speak for hours pray & tears. What do I do God, when this happens? What do I do?

You see, I'd seen it so clearly, over and over again. I'd prayed about it over and over again. That I thought for sure- I 'knew' it was God, preparing me for what was about to happen. So much so, I almost repacked my bags 100 times preparing to have to stay in Ethiopia indefinitely.


In my mind, God was telling me - His family wants him back. I thought "for sure", our family meeting would culminate in me hearing that now that he was healthy and would live, they would like for him to return home to Wolayta.

Knew. For. Sure.

I'm admitting to you here and now, that I made a photo album of pictures and thought of a hundred others tactics to sneak into that meeting and use, for when those words were spoken. I really did.


In the end, the album and all other tactics stayed home. Did not even make the flight.



I don't think I ever voiced this out loud. Because that would make it too real. But that sneaky suspicion that God was preparing me, his new- little- baby- know- nothing- Christian, was ever present, and precipitated every action, word and thought in those months.

What would I do, when it happened?

• Now, in reality- most of us know that 1- the agencies have prepped the families over and over again that they can not expect such things nor say such things. And 2- they would never translate it, even if they did. In fact, I'm sure many of them have used the "look at what America looks like" "school" "food" "easy life" tactics to win over the families. Which is yucky and sucky and makes me feel like a nasty "ho' for only now realizing the manipulation I participated in- even if it didn't happen in front of me. NOW I KNOW. 

Just for a moment- forget about the agency interference. Think about what would you do in a moment like this?

It's scary.

"Sorry Charlie. Court says he's mine now."

"Umm. Ok?"

What?

That's where I was from November to January. Stuck in a - what? Where? Should I do? Now?

That was my fear. That was fear, knocking on the door. It wasn't God speaking to me, giving me answers on how to be prepared to manipulate, take the baby and run scenario. It was outright Fear.

• God didn't put that there. But, heck yes, He allows that. He doesn't save us from all our fears. How else are we stretched to grow? How else do we grow deeper in faith?

*******
Fear. Pain. Growth.

It's a common theme on this journal o mine.

*******

I do not know what I would have done- had that scenario actually played out. I don't. But that is where my heart went upon reading, the now long absent, posts from a place call simplicity blog. It smelled like fear.

And I wonder, if that isn't a good question, we should be asking the first parents. Or should adoptive parents, at least pose the question before themselves? I don't know. I really do not know. I will never know- until the situation is staring me in the face. I hope I take the God paved road. I hope I take the ethical route. I hope I take the road the empowers rather than oppresses. I hope. and I hope. and I hope.

Year over year...

Yup. Same wagon.  Yup. Same young man.

Black. White. Grey. Justice is a God thing!

Stewing. Brewing. Praying.

For almost a week, every quiet moment I get, my head fills with with with.... well... honestly...

Anger.
Self- Rightousness.
Prayer.

Pretty much in that order.

I thought I was ready. But I'm not. As I sat down to right it out I knew I needed to sit, go to church and pray on it one more day.

Of course, what I have to say, means nothing to this situation. I'm sure of that. I'm also reasonably sure that God's Will, will be done here.... but.... things were done, in the name of Jesus Christ, that, I believe, to be wrong. And that, my friends, is not kosher ok with me. But, they will be held accountable. As will I. This I know.

I have actually been to their blog before this crisis. I may visit it more often.

I want to believe that God's presence was so over powering they simply said 'yes God' and did his will. But, but... but... it sounded like fear. It sounded like surrendering to the fear.

I believe they "knew" they were acting "properly". I believe they are God fearing, Go Jesus loving people act in the Holy Spirit folks.

I believe every. single. one. of us fail at living that out every. single. day.

I believe adoption is a knee buckling, kick you when you're down, put fear in your heart like you've never thought possible, beautiful, scary, righteous, very tricky, reprehensible, blessed, praiseworthy, morally trying, painful, fulfilling, test your faith in God and all humanity process.


That doesn't stop with 'homecoming' or 'finalization'.

I do not want to be an ASSuming ass, as I have been known to be. I want to learn from the mistakes of those throwing mud on people, threatening damnation and twisting verses as if they were only meant for them.

I know it is possible to give rise to the oppressed, and still be an oppressor. I'm quite sure, that is what many most all unjust wars are predicated upon. I'm quite sure that was not how Jesus lived.

I know some will respond to that statement by saying "Yes! This is a war. It is the devil we are at odds with."  ummm- perhaps. But let us remember, that God loves that family. Each and every one of them, regardless of where they live. And Jesus was not an Oppressor. Jesus didn't build a kingdom by showing riches, benefits, heirs and genealogy.  Jesus showed love, grace and mercy.

I believe that some human laws, regardless of black & white or grey areas, are truly unjust and therefore MUST be broken for the sake of humanity.  This is CLEARLY NOT the case here.  (I do not use bolded font often).


This is a case of a family saying, "stay away from my kid. She is one of us. She is not available for adoption." This is a case of privilege showing up in abundance to intimidate, squander, oppress and manipulate. Showing 'evidence' of their 'haves' in order to deflate and humiliate the 'have nots', berating them into succumbing. It is torture. Torture they used to get the answers they wanted.
*************

Most of the week, I didn't feel like I could show my 'face' here until I could garner some clear thinking. But the more I thought, the more judgmental I became. The more protective I felt of my friends for sticking their necks out in the name of justice. But it didn't seem right, writing a post to simply back up my friends. Its more than that. (this, they already know.)

I read the original post. Presumably, just as they were deleting comments. Before many/any edits were made, before they changed the title (check link address vs. title now) and before it was removed entirely. My first instinct, was not ANGER. Did you hear that? NOT anger. By nature- I tend to be pretty hot headed angry. And reading those words, .... i got turned inside out and my Christian heart responded. All I could think about was a fear / real possibility I'd long ago suppressed. All I could do was pray about it for days. The last 2 days I've tried to forget about it. Maybe tomorrow. Although-- maybe not. Maybe this was it.

********
Edited to Add:  3 minutes after posting this, I log into fB and this is sitting at the top of my news feed from preacher Joyce Meyer:

Faith and love work together. Faith is energized by love, and we cannot expect our prayers to be answered if we are angry at someone or have unforgiveness in our heart. -Joyce (Mark 11:24-26)

 Ya- well, maybe that's what I'll work on tomorrow. 

Tragedy. Where are the answers?...

I know I want to run and hide. I know I want to move to an ideal commune on a paradise island and shelter my child from all scary evil things. I also know that evil finds a way. 

I know that kids are kids. I know kids make mistakes. I know many kids "these days", do not know the real thing of 'death'. To them it's South Park Kenny being killed off each episode and returning the next. It's a video game of blasting heads and an easy reset button to start again. It's a common expression with no thought or meaning "I'm dieing",  "I'll kill you"  and "I'm gonna kill myself."

(Preschool has been in session a month and he's already repeating the first two. PRESCHOOL. 4 year olds!!)

I know kids are carrying a heavy burden. Too much. The pressure from all angles. From school academics- social pressures- activity performance alone. It's too much. Add in the never ending nagging of a mother like me and--- well. I want to do better by my son. He needs room to thrive. Margin to grow. Not a heavy burden to carry.

********
You see, this weekend, here in my hometown a 9yo boy was sent to his room for something, seemingly mundane. Something many kids are sent to their room for every day. But this time, was different, somehow. To him. He hung himself. There, in his room.

Evidence shows, he clearly had no idea what he was doing when he tied the knots as the struggle marks on his body were so severe, the family couldn't imagine an open coffin. Cremation the only way.

Who knows? Seemingly this was a spur of the moment choice. No obvious violence or outstanding dysfunction in the home. But we all have secrets. We all have regrets. We all carry burdens.

I can't sit here and point fingers as to the 'why' this happened. It isn't "south park kenny's" fault. It isn't the games. It isn't the internet to blame. We are always looking for blame. Something to pin it one. Anger wants a target. It is my instinct, for sure. Fueling the fire to flame the parent/movies/games/internet, in this one case, will do nothing to help all 9 year old boys.
********


The culmination of this and a number of other things got me to realize something: My kid believes what I tell him. He believes HOW I tell him. He listens to what I say and watches what I do.

I 'knew' that all along. Relatively sure we all do. But now- in the context of a child hanging himself- regardless of the how and why- places urgency on EVERY MOMENT and EVERY DAY that I am with him. He will always be somewhere else in this world more time, than he is with me. That makes my time with him URGENT. Urgent that I'm saying what matters. Urgent that I'm teaching, inspiring, feeding his soul.

Please God, give me all the heavy lifting and your strength to carry it.

I believe in the power of God. I know many of you have varying degrees of God or "religion" buy-in. (Which is why I love you all by the way- you push me and challenge me to keep thinking!). So I cling to Him. This child was placed in my hands gently and I must hold him, also gently. Not tight. Not so much that he cannot breathe his own Life into this world- but gently. Cling tightly to God and be at peace with that. Cause seriously?!?! What else is there? I can be angry, scared and foolish. But it will do no good for us, or the rest of this world if I feed the fears and disappear to a commune of FBI clearanced families on a paradise island.

*******
Sitting thinking, praying and writing around the death of a precious child. That's what I'm doing- circling it. It is not my tragedy. I am not a victim. So writing about the "I" in this sounds strange, but, if I close my eyes and chose not to see, learn, and grow by all that surrounds me- how am I human? Please forgive the "I". I am human.

Wednesday- Equinox Looming

Wednesdays Word- Seeking

Sensory that is....

Knocking Doors...

I remember the day like yesterday (18 years ago!!), when I sat in the office being offered a job, that I felt sick to my stomach and that I really did not want to accept it, but.... I felt I didn't really have a choice. It was a big chance. Some people had pulled strings, held out just for me-- who was I to say no?



I had that same feeling almost 20 years later. Although I can give myself less leeway in not listening to my instinct. It has served me well over the years and, most times, I can discern a more clearly than I could all those freewheeling years ago. And yet... I did it again. I sat there, knowing, this isn't a right fit for anyone.

Cue the whispering of judgment as it begins to echo in my head... "You've been out of work for 18 months"... "It's time to start working".... "Hey- they held out, waiting for you, hoping you'd consider it"... "They were counting on you"... 

Who was I to say, "No"?



Always a mistake to undervalue yourself.

Will I ever truly learn that?



Returning to the work force and, subsequently leaving it again, hit me in ways I was not expecting. Odd, like a kick to the head from a horse. Left me dazed. Confused. Smarting. And more than a little pissed off. Pissed at lots of things.

Eventually- I got over myself. sorta.... at least things slowly came back into focus and I realized, my perspective had just been broadened. Don't you love it when that happens??!

Dust has been shaken off. I've explored all worst case scenarios and having them exposed reduces the fear and anxiety, somehow. Once that was done- I could focus on the "What now?"



You are going to laugh. You're going to think- duh. What was she thinking? What was she doing all this time? Here's the truth. I never made a 're-entry plan'.

Honestly. I did not. I never looked at my life - now- in the "oh so very different life than the last time you were leading projects, teams, volunteers and databases" sort of way. I just assumed- "Oh, I may have to scale back on actual hours spent- you know 40 vs. 60-80 but other than that all is the same".

I never took into account- "I've changed." I'm not the same person. And although I had a moment of "oops." in not trusting my instincts/ devaluing myself, what I expect of my self is not scaled back. It isn't "less time".  It's- more.

More passionate people surrounding me.

More dedication to meaningful, feed the soul of my family time.

More fulfillment.

So- I've a plan of attack. Mostly involving lots of prayer and saying thanks, but also some logical steps to make sure than in one year or 6-8 months we are not in this same position.

First- Pass Teacher certification exams. I've been putting this off for- oooo 15 years now. Having never really worked in education, even though that's what my degree says. I don't know how I'll like teaching, but that isn't the point right. Passionate people. Meaningful family time. Perhaps it will open doors I can't even consider now. Who knows- but it's been knocking on my door rather loudly for the past 12 months and I've been ignoring the call. Wish me luck!

Second- File LLC paperwork/ or just start free lance grant writing business from home.

Third- File paperwork for NP. Lofty Goals. More later. 

So yes. I want to surround myself with passionate people. I need to be dedicated to the work (outside the home). And my number one priority is my family. So if my work environment isn't conducive to my being passionate and dedicated to my family as well, than it doesn't work.


What about you? Are you listening to the nasty whispers or answering the knocking door? What is your primary priority and how does it fit into your life right now? Are there things nagging at you, knocking louder all the time? Am I talking to myself again? Cause I do that too sometimes...


PS: Not to worry- I'm still searching for director esque level positions (pssst- nationally!!) but the causes- I'll be careful as to where I'm spending my hard earned valuable time.

What now?

What do you do when you realize all you are really driven to do is parent your child? What do you do when all he needs of you and requires of you is to do just that- at 100%?

2 weeks. One day in. "New Job" didn't work out. Not a surprise. I knew when accepting it, it wasn't going to be a good fit- but I wanted to try and make it work. Now what?

I'm praying for clarity. Because I really do not know- what now?