Looking Forward. Reflecting Back.

As we are winding down from the twinkling lights, Christmas songs and joyful celebrations with family & friends, I’m also reminiscing on this time of year 2 years ago. Two years. My conscious mind held onto little of that holiday season. Emotionally vacillating between completely numb and frantic packing. 

I’m blessed that I will never have the opportunity to be so self-indulgent again! Truly.

Freshly from the tub Jan 2010

This year has been amazing. My beautiful son, is a teacher. He's taught me the value of admiration, joy, trust, security and living exuberantly!! He is diligent. Forthright. Bountiful. He is a kid who knows what he likes when he sees it. He is a child with style. He is growing some real self-confidence and from time to time, shows some leadership skills in his classroom, making sure that kids aren’t pushing each other around. “School is a safe place!” he’ll say.

December 2011

He is coming up on 5 years old in April. Which is exciting and sad to me all at the same time. Where is my little weeble wobble baby with the big belly that was here just 2 years ago? Then again, I also look forward to seeing more glimpses of the young man he’s becoming. 

He’s taken the bull by the horns lately, surpassing some developmental milestones of which I wasn’t sure we’d ever say good bye. He continues to be very diligent in mastering a new skill, task or build. He rarely, if ever gets frustrated, simply requires the time to get it working… and he usually does. He’s extremely fascinated in how things work, where connections happen, and what goes where and why and what happens if….  I think Christmas was surpassed as his favorite day, when the plumber came to the house recently. The plumber did not charge extra for his ‘4 yo apprentice handling”, for which I was most grateful. His exuberant curiosity and lack of self-restraint combine to make the normally unspoken rule of “No going under cars” mandatorily spoken repeatedly. Although he will attempt to trick any unsuspecting visitor by slyly rolling a ball under their car and ‘offering’ to go get it for them. Do not fall for it. You’ve been warned.

We’ve had a really wonderful year! I’m blessed to have some very supportive friends near and far. God sent. Truly. Blessed.

This year, I’ve come to learn that our biggest hurdles lie in me. Learning to be a parent, a home manager, and a single mom. 

It seems as if, I’ve been chasing down this ‘place’. This ‘place’ that once we get there, everything else will be easier, calmer and so much more obedient. This ‘place’ is a myth.  This myth is hard to let go of. Addicting almost. Cortisol is, I think, involved.  Each day I strive to reach some "place" before we have to get to the next "place". 

I want to thank you all for indulging my fantasies of there being such a mythical ‘place’ of attachment. Mythical ‘place’ of cleanliness. Mythical ‘place’ of being on time. Yup. Took me 18 months to figure out it doesn’t exist. There is no ‘place’. It all just "Is."

And thus enters us to a new year. A year that only God knows what holds, and we are willing to take what is given. This year will be the year I learn to listen and be. The year to break the addiction of stress and cortisol and stop searching for that damn 'place'. The year I learn to loosen my grip a little. I’m still actively seeking employment and now have expanded this search globally. I literally have NO IDEA what is next for us, but I walk in faith, because God knows. Clearly the glory will be His because I’ve been trying to figure it out for 18+ months and have made no progress. Time to give Him the reigns. I will fail at this almost daily. But this year I strive to give more than I grasp.

I wish each and every one of you peace, joy and exuberant laughter throughout all of 2012.  We will be walking forward. Our path can sometimes seem a bit dark, but this year we find peace in walking forward in confidence and faith. Our love to you.