U.G.L.Y. I don't need no alibi...

I am so Grateful. GREAT. FULL. that there are women and men in this world like Miss Julie and her family. 

The boy and I have been here 4+ weeks. We were together, for what felt like an eternity (1 week) in Ethiopia.  Today... Today... it all came crashing down.

He is great.

He is a champ.

He is doing better than me.

In over 5 weeks- this moment... This one right now- as I'm typing- is the only one I remember being alone. (and he's asleep 5 feet away!) (Sleeping... NOT ON TOP OF ME!!)

How are we really doing?  I can't answer. I have no perspective. I'm in the thick of it and can't see through the weeds. Literally. Zero. Perspective.

I read the books and the blogs and the rights, wrongs, bests and suggested means of getting through.  But you know what. I don't remember anyone writing anything in any attachment parenting about alternatives for single parenting.  Seriously.  Could someone have made even a parenthetical mention about possibly finding alternatives.  Cause I'm fearful I'm creating a monster and I'm turning into the ugliest part of myself- and I don't like it. Don't like it at all.

He is great.

I'm U.G.L.Y.

I need a reset button.

Days like.... this week- I try to keep remembering the Monday in the orphanage- The day after the Special Sunday- that we didn't get to see them at all. I remember his face when he heard my voice. That laugh. That sense. That hand pulling me down the stairs. That boy who loved that I was there. Today I remind myself- to just be there.

I re read this entry from Julie. Really I only needed the first couple paragraphs... no judgement till six months.   We haven't hit six weeks (believe it or not).  Thank you Julie. I've said it all before a hundred times and you've heard it from thousands.  You- are a gift that keeps on giving.

Amharic for Potty...

I used the think he was just trying to flash his eyelashes. I now know this look means "I gotta go kaka"

Update- Week One

 

Do I look bloated?

Hey everyone.  He and I are doing better than expected-- I think?--- at least today.  Bonding is going well- but confidence in his security and in me is still lagging greatly. I guess that is to be expected.  We've only been home one week. 

Two weeks ago today, in Ethiopia, the goodbye ceremony was held and he joined me at the guest house- it also marks the last time he was at the care center that brought him back from the brink of starvation.  While in Ethiopia, I had the chance to meet Doctor Abiye.  'T' remembered him and ran to him laughing immediately.  But then ran as far away as he could, scared, confused and looking back and forth between the both of us.  When we told him to come ,"Nah"- he screamed and cried! (That was the first time I'd heard him cry at all)   Abiye said that they had a special bond and that T was his boy for some time. We spoke for a long time and he didn't speak technically about his history or medical progress but personally, sentimentally, reminiscent.  Abiye left and T was more distant with me than usual.  That night was the first night, I heard my son cry in his sleep.

He is doing a bit better sleeping without me. Today marks the 3rd time he has slept in his own bed for nap time. I finally pronounced "go to sleep" properly so he understood "hee Teh NAH"...  he's been sleeping for 3-4 hours in the afternoon- but I think I may need to start waking him up earlier.   (maybe next week- now I'm getting stuff done...sorta).  We start winding down for bed time about 7:30-8ish and usually asleep by 9pm.  (ya- gotta find a way to cut that down, someday... )

We are open to accepting visitors!  Yay!  Just give us a call to make sure he's awake.  In fact, mommy is actively accepting invitations to distract child so she can pick up, do dishes, attempt to shower and (gasp!) shave under pits (rather impossible task when holding child with one arm in shower....). No guarantees this distraction technique will work, as he still isn't too confident with me out of the room for any length of time and actually loves loves loves loves loves the bath and shower.... (just please Kid- let me scrape off the rest of this Ethiopian / airline crud lingering on my scalp!)

Thank you everyone for all your support and graciousness. We've only just begun- but you all make it easier.

Teaser...

(Also Known As... no time for any nor time to figure out how to rotate these.. sorry

Update- Taking off

So much to do- so little time!  I've been plugging away at this update for a few weeks now and yet... in Shannon style-I may end up being on the plane before you ever get around to reading this.. so sorry!

When I started these updates for you all, about what 7+ months ago now... I honestly thought, by now,  I'd have covered more ground.  And yet, here it is- a few days before I take off and ... so much left!  I hope you have found them helpful, interesting and educational.

Much of the stuff that follows is the words and experience of moms and dad's that have come before me- cut this trail he and I are on. Their experience is invaluable. Yet, none of us can predict exactly what will be necessary when we get home. I only know, I am as prepared as possible- regardless of what he/I need in order to build a strong attachment as a family unit.  I'm ill prepared for much of it- but he and I will figure it out as we go.

It is at this stage- many families- will send out a 'do's and don'ts list of rules'. That isn't really my style- although I am certainly respectful of why they feel it necessary. (actually right now it seems alot quicker and easier...)  I'm hopeful that sending these updates has helped to fill in the gaps as to why somethings may seem different.  I'm not a big believer in other peoples rules. So I'm going minimalistic and we'll adjust as needed when he and I are working through it day by day.


In this episode:
- Parenting and attachment 
- The early days
- Behaviors
- Good Modeling
- What you can do
- What'll be happening in Ethiopia

ATTACHMENT-
Some 'experts' have written that when a child is born, if left unassisted, that child would find his/her way to the mothers breast.

How is that possible?  The child knows its mother. It is instinctive to root for food. Even in the womb the child smells and hears. The scent of her/his mother and sound of her voice is imprinted. Their attachment has already begun. 
Secure attachment - for a child- looks / feels like this:

• My mom comes back. She is reliable.
• I am worth coming back to.
• I can trust my momma and people she entrusts to educate and spend time with me.
• My affective states(feelings) are mirrored back to me, so that I can get help knowing how I feel and how others feel.
• I want to please my parent most of the time.
• I am rewarded for becoming competent, for my curiosity, and for my positive states.
• I can get help with psychologically overwhelming events and feelings.
• Momma will teach me how to deal with problems and how to solve them.
• Intimacy is enjoyable.
• My needs are routinely met in a timely, sensitive manner.
• Repairs to relationship disruptions are empathic and prompt.

Thank you Deborah Gray

 

My boy and I have to start from scratch. He's been in this world for almost 3 years and has never heard my voice. I've lived almost 40 years without him. He's lived almost 3-- with out me. We have NO BOND. Not yet.        One step at a time...


When I first started learning about some of the parenting techniques, that are almost universally advocated for in Ethiopian adoption, some of them were far from anything I saw as my parenting style. Although, I do not expect to follow anyone else's style or rules (cause- clearly that ain't my nature) I have learned how important it is to be prepared to employ these techniques.  Perhaps more importantly- is learning his cues', and mine, for when these are necessary. 



THE EARLY DAYS
Some of the techniques we'll be starting with and definitely employing:

Co- sleeping (believe it or not.. yes)- whether in my room- his - together or within reach, it is vital to be there to sooth at all hours. He needs to learn that I'm momma and Momma is always there.

"Baby" Wearing- The breathing, the scent, the heartbeats, reading eachothers expressions.. it goes a looong way. Yes I'm nervous about managing with my back- but long term needs are most important- the pain will subside.

Funneling- This one sounds easy- but in practice- may be difficult at times.  The idea is that all of T's needs- food, comfort, nurturing, soothing etc come THROUGH me.  This certainly does not mean that I'm the only person that will hug him for the rest of his life... it is a process. I promise aunties, uncles, grandparents, it will feel a lot better when he gives you a hug because they know you and feel safe with you, rather than the indescriminate hug you get because he is "parent shopping" or manipulating.

Cacooning- We will be sticking close to home for a while. I need to keep his world small as he will naturally be hyper-vigilant taking in sooo many new things. As we adjust together and recouperate from travel woes, we will begin to venture into more and more areas. As we do get out- I will still be learning- both of our limitations and we may have to cut activities short without notice.

Regression-  Many of the things above help to replicate some of the attachment time missed during his early years. It may appear that I'm spoiling him, babying him, or being overprotective. That is intentional. He missed alot of the nurturing in his life. I missed doing it for him. For some time, he may have baby behaviors alongside independent mini adult behaviors. This can allow rebuilding to take place and so we can both learn what being a family of two means.



BEHAVIORS 
Toddlers Being Toddlers- I'm learning from others- that it is quite common, that adopting during those wonderful toddler development stages can ... well... be interesting.

I can expect to see typical toddler behaviors at multiple of 10. That means all of those wonderful behaviors.. tantruming, charming flirts, manipulation, demands for independance, exploring voice levels, expressiveness, snuggly-ness, embraces etc... at at a x10 of typical toddler levels. (which is why traveling families suggest bringing ear plugs) This is completely understandable given the conflicts and compliments  of the developmental stage and situation.

MODELING
I'm unsure if I actually learned this next statement in a particular class, or a combination of environments and just basic observation.  Sorry if I'm quoting someone without giving credit...

Future Santa Model

I truly believe, one of, if not the primary, job of a good father, is to be obviously, unwaveringly and overtly supportive of his wife, as the mother of his children.  By performing this one job, the father is not only modeling being a goodparent, man and husband, but also showing honorable respect for the primary woman in his childs life. (by this I, of course, do not mean financially supportive)

Someone said something like "Shannon, you are going to have enough to deal with!  You are single, how will they learn to be a good father? A good husband??"

I mention this because... of course.. I am single. There is no husband, yet.  I will forever be working hard- to make sure my son has good role models. Men, to whom he can relate, aspire, honor, learn from.  He and I are lucky to have so many good people surrounding us. Each with strengths. He and I are lucky like that.

I don't know how all of this fits together, other than it will never leave me. It is always something that is fore front of my mind- that he isn't just a child- he is a future teen-ager, boyfriend, husband, partner, father, member of society and we all learn best from those we look up to.



WHAT CAN YOU DO
Funneling- may look like "Oh you want to sit with me? You can sit on Momma's lap." and guide him to me. After some progress, we will move to the next phase of "Oh you want to be picked up? ... Shannon my I pick him up?" This time, I come over and pick him up and hand him to you. This sounds easy enough- until he does that toddler thing, asserting his decision making skills at the top of his lungs - and you instinctively want pick him up.  It is hard. I recognize that this does not sound 'fair' to you. But remember- this process is the only FAIR way for he and I to attach.

All of these transitional steps- are simply that... Transitional. Every child and family is different. Some steps are needed for a week or so and others may continue for years.  Families, often look for that milestone day when the length of time together, is longer than the time when they weren't together. Attachment is a process, always building, always working- but gradually and slowly- we will make a family.  That 3 year mark is closer that it feels right now.

********
IN ADDIS 

 MARDEN's Shopper Extroidenaire. 14+ soccer balls before

Ryan and I will be arriving in Addis, after about 31 hours traveling, on Wednesday morning. We'll check into a hotel for the first night as we get comfortable, deliver some donations, shop, and adjust.  (Ethiopia is 8 hours ahead).

Soccer Balls After- although the don't lay flat after being deflated.. I can pack 3-4 in the same space as one. Along with 2 hand pumps, these will go to 3 different places - An 'after school' program, the care center and the Guest House. Thank you Mardens for the extra mark downs.

Ryan has had no less than 5 people in contact with him, that are in Addis. So no need to worry- we have lots of local contacts!
On Thursday evening we will arrive at the guest house and join the other 8 families.  The guest house staff will provide a lot of our meals (not all of them) and will help us throughout the week  with a number of things, especially after the kids come to the house.  The next couple days, we'll spend a few hours each day at the care center getting to know the kids, playing, watching their routine etc.  One day will be a day, that we will not visit the care center at all, and will tour about 3 hours out of the city into the countryside. The next couple days we will likely be able to bring the kids back to the guest house for a couple hours or so, but they will return to the care center.  On Wednesday the 20th- the morning will be a goodbye ceremony at the care center- then we'll rush off to the Embassy for the visa interviews and lovely paperwork. FUN!  (I've heard- we are all in a small holding room, it's hot, boring, dirty and very few things for the kids to do.. ).  From then on- the kids are with us at the Guest House.

Medical Supplies, clothing, soccer balls and shoes which are harder and more expensive to obtain by locals. These will go to a couple different places that need them, including a NY family that moved over 6 mo ago to build a library, build a home for another family and start the after school program. Most everything they have is brought over by visiting families. 

The guest house grounds are high walled and gated. (this is typical in Addis).  So although, it is not advised to go off with the kids in tow- Me and the little boy will be able to go outside and play with some of the other kids. (See soccer balls above )

I wish I had a witty sign off, but my brain is cooked and my fingers are quitting. I don't know if I'll have the ability to stay in touch- either by phone or email- while gone. But I'll take notes just in case and will report back when i can. If I can get in touch, Sistah may be able to log in and send updates through email or on fB for me.

Wish us luck and pray a plenty!

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I wonder sometimes:
What have I let go of, in order to build this family??

I pondered tonight that I spend very little time doing anything 'social' this days. Friends and I text, fB or every once and a while pick up the phone... but I struggle remember the last time I went out just to grab a drink with friends - it was sometime in late August or early September for Trish's birthday, on a Sunday afternoon.  Rowdy.

Mostly I wonder... what will daily life look like after the Little Man and I are together as a family.

Actually I've been looking forward to the change in social scenes for quite some time. The concerts in the park without a 'borrowed' nephew.  Library time. Recitals and Practices. Soccer practices and dance classes. Going for a walk with someone to accompany me and a stroller to push. Play dates.  Heck, a date is a date... and I'll take it!  I suspect I'll be better at the play dates than the adult dates/interviews/awkward pauses...

To my boy:  I've been single my whole life, thus far--- but rarely (if ever) "Lonely"  until - You weren't here.

Lets EDIT this and get real for a moment in retrospect. Hind sight and all: I wrote "been single my whole life". Yes. And when suddenly there is a moving human being in your house, all your issues, will show your WHY YOU'VE BEEN SINGLE YOUR WHOLE LIFE. Oh, I thought those therapy sessions had taught me coping tools and I was so much more at peace than before. Pththth HA! My son is fabulous and I love being a family. But- if you are reading this and have the slightest hint of 'issues' in your past... they will be uncovered my friend. Oh yes they will. Our children through adoption are smart and intuitive and will shake you out. Get professional help now and keep them on staff. If you can move them in your house. do it. I laugh at my pie eyed ignorance.

My 365 Days in The Bigs...

For some reason, as I was shoveling snow this afternoon... I was remembering my first job out of college.   I was born and raised here in the same area. In high school I thought- I'm out of here, going to college far away. But no.  Went to college the next town over.  I had traveled around New England often, (mostly NH and Mass) but always surrounded by 20 big hulking men that were close friends and created an environment that I NEVER had to question my safety, comfort or role.

Although, I was a bit nervous about moving to Northern New Jersey- it was a dream job. EVERYONE was so excited for me and proud.  I was going to the NHL!  It didn't get any better than that.  Pats on the back, encouraging words... you name it- practical strangers shook my hand so they could say they new someone in 'the bigs'.  They convinced themselves and me- "You've got it made now!"  I thought I was prepared.. as did everyone else, I'm sure.


After my first day in the office- where I had met the people, with whom  I would be spending the majority of my days, I arrived back at the over the top hotel, where I was temporarily staying.   Half way across the extravagant, glittery lobby- I started to lose it. But I held it together enough to make it to the pay phone. I dialed a number back home- needing something familiar. No answer. Tried another- and another. I couldn't reach anyone. (pre cell days)  I don't remember another thing for some time.


Next thing I remember, I was in my room, on my knees talking to Jason's Mom.  (I must've called his number and got her).  I remember my face, shirt and pillow case were literally soaked with tears. I remember my voice- it sounded strange as I cried- gasped- screamed. It was ... guttural. She tried to comfort me, she listened... for what had to be a half hour minimum but, ... eventually I came to realize that nothing was going to help and I hung up. For the next hours I was inconsolable.


It's embarrassing to admit this today. I was 23 years old- curled up on the floor of a posh hotel room- hating every single thing about it. Everything smelled funny. Tasted strange. People talked funny and were more 'stiff' or stand offish than what I was used to.  The water tasted funny- I didn't dare to drink it. What was that smell?!!  God, it made me sick! It was hot and muggy. And everyplace was air conditioned. My senses were on overdrive. Messed up. I was physically ill. Call it culture shock- call it whatever-  Everything was breaking down- physically and emotionally.




Eventually I pulled myself together (sort-of). I needed to 'run it out'.  I was miserable and needed to 'get it out' of me- -My skin was crawling...  but where could I go?? In this strange hot topped place? Where was safe??...


I made it to the fitness room of the hotel. It was near the top floor and looked east over the New York Skyline. A view I'd seen in pictures a thousand times before- but.. it looked so different now.. it was no longer beautiful.  It felt further away than it had in pictures. I ran until I couldn't anymore. I stepped outside onto the outside patio of the fitness room- I stayed there drinking bottled water(!)- trying to calm myself- trying to get my feet under me again- and my brain focused on what needed to happen next. I was 23 years old.. People had expectations.... They were counting on me... I need to make this work!!


A man stepped out on the patio and started talking to me. In retrospect- nothing he said was suspicious or shady. In fact, he was concerned. Nice. Sympathetic, inviting and generous. Told me what he had to offer.  At the time- it was like he was talking a different language. What did he want? Why was he here? What did he expect of me? I was a bit scared of him- ALONE- so I put him off and got away as fast as I could. 


The next day- he found me again. Just checking up on me.  Again- I put him off as politely as I could and stayed a 'safe distance' away. 


I have no idea what his real intentions were- but- I wonder to this day- was it my 23 year old single woman instincts saying 'this guy is trouble' or was it my general state of fear, unfamiliarity and uncertainty?  The more I learn about the trauma of transition of adopted children- the more I think it's probable, he was genuine.  Had I not been successful in pushing him away- perhaps I wouldn't have felt so alone in the months to follow...


Anyway- That first night- before the guy showed up- I promised myself I'd stay Two years. Then later- no one year. No two. Never mind- I have no contract-- ONE.  I must stay one year. Give it a real chance. If it got better- I'd stay longer. My instincts said "Get in the car and go home NOW!!  You can be home by morning."


I stayed.  I smiled.  Did my job or what I thought was 'expected' of me. Tried to 'do better' and make people happy. I tried to make friends. Behind the scenes I hated every minute of it-  Actually- I just felt ALONE and directionless. I cried often. Talked on the phone to friends at home for HOURS upon HOURS! Phone bills were in the hundreds of dollars. I flew or drove back home no less than once every month.  I tried to reach out to those in NJ- but-- it still felt foreign. That smell never went away. I still couldn't quite feel comfortable around people--- I couldn't quite get a fix on 'em. I felt like a stranger in my own dream.  Day 365- I turned my car north- left life in 'the bigs' behind.


I think about this often.. but today huffing and puffing in the bitter wind and snow- it clicked...  Will this be what me child feels like?   But- actually - it gives me hope. Or at least a hint of how easy it is to push people away not trusting their intentions- not feeling safe- not knowing where you fit- or if you will ever.   No one was in New Jersey to hold me. No one was there to guide me through. No one was there to make me feel safe? Who could I trust? I wonder of that guy had stuck with it- if eventually I would have grown more comfortable than wary of him. How would he have helped me through it?  I wouldn't have been alone then.

Family Adventures ...

The first of many.

Ok- this isn't much of an update- but I haven't had time to finish the other one. So... sorry. Maybe after Christmas. But to catch EVERYONE up to date on one important note;

Travel dates are finalized and booked. Ryan and I leave January 11th. We leave Addis on the 23rd and arrive the 24th of January with the little man in tow.

Flights were finicky and difficult and although it requires 3+ days just in travel- we are both fine with it and will get us there a day earlier than necessary.

That is it!  Travel update complete~! 

For all you future travelers out there, I used Reach One travel. She does other agency bookings but hadn't been suggested by my agency. She was great- and trust me when I say, I was a PIA!! Although the prices were only slightly less than 'regular online listings' these are not tickets with a million restrictions/not refundable etc. These are good ones. (so I'm told... I haven't actually traveled yet- so what do I know... )

Lots of Little Updates

Ever since passing court back in October, things have been... FULL SPEED AHEAD!  That isn't to say that much has happened for the little man in Ethiopia, but there has been too much on Momma's plate and typically-  everything seems to take more 4 times as long to accomplish anything for me... to say things (i.e. me) have been crazy- may be an understatement.

Full speed ahead, is not a speed I'm comfortable with, nor do I function well at such velocity. Unfortunately- it's been necessary. The intensity leaves me single minded focused.. I will be the first to admit-- it has taken its toll.


Not only is my brain at max capacity and my emotions all over the map- but my body is beginning to rebel. I've had more headaches in 2 months than I've had in my life thus far. My stomach feels like the lava flows of Kilauea.

Remember that commercial:  "This is your brain on drugs"?..   Well, my brain is functioning like a Scrambled Egg.  Mrs. Reagan, I'm sorry to tell you, "Drugs" would be a vast improvement.  

Shonna has been 9 months pregnant 4 times now. I can not begin imagine how she did it sans alcohol and caffeine?




FINALLY. F.I.N.A.L.L.Y!!!  I've accomplished some of the "must do's" and reached a point that I can ssssllllooooowwwww down. (hopefully...)

Some quick updates that you may or may not be aware of:

-Ryan is planning on traveling to Ethiopia with me. Oh- By the way. Ryan has learned to speak Amharic. Although Amharic is the nat'l language of Ethiopia, it isn't too much of a stretch to call it 'obscure' on the global scale (only 20% of Ethiopians speak it). Although we all know my brother has the intellectual capacity of all the worlds super computers combined--- THIS-- Learning Amharic... is quite touching for me.  (Although I admit to giggling to myself as I imagine him dragging Jon around the Ethiopian neighborhoods of DC to practice his conversational nuances.)

-TC (dontcha love that those are his initials! Remember TopCat? He was on after FatAlbert on Saturdays)  .. anyhoooo- TC was hospitalized for a while (about a week) having respitory issues back in early November. He was diagnosed with pneumonia.  All accounts are that he is fine and back at the care center playing with all his buds. (As an educational aside: Diarrhea and Pneumonia still account for killing the largest number of children in the world.  Simply having access to safe drinking water would drastically diminish that)

 

-While he was hospitalized we got some new pictures of him. Here are a couple just to tease you.  I'll also attach a couple so that you can print them out and take them home and sleep with them under your pillow (come on. You know you want to...!)


-Shortly after that his birth certificate was issued!! Wee hooo. 

 

-In December, TC and I were showered with love at the Country Club.  WOW! My sister, mom and I'm sure many elves planned a really really really really really nice party. Upon arriving I was most relieved to notice the bartender still on duty. (the perks of adopting... no alcohol or caffeine detox required.) I can't express enough- how much it means that many of you were there to celebrate. So many people have gone out of their way to be so generous throughout this process. Sometimes there just aren't words to fully capture the appreciation. So all i can say is- Thank you.

My sister the generous fantastic over the top party planner!

-Still no confirmation of a travel date. The last I knew we were 'tentatively' scheduled for the middle of January. Last week I learned that he had been scheduled for his embassy physical- but no one knew if that had been done or when the physical was actually supposed to happen.  ??? (remember a long time ago- I told you that one of the things you need to get used to is "I don't know" as a legitimate answer)  As long as his physical goes ok- we could be traveling anytime in the next 6 weeks. (in theory..) There are some 'issues' with the embassy right now- so our "advance notice" for travel is not expected to be really "advanced".  But we will do the best we can to find reasonable flight schedules.  January is also the high holidays in Ethiopia so that is making things "tight".  But no sense worrying about it. We'll get there. (in theory...)


-I'm packed! I'm a little overweight (oh hush up. I talking about the luggage!!) So I may have some figuring or send some stuff to Ryan- but I think I'm close anyway. Typically we are allowed 2 pieces of checked luggage but one of my pieces is a tote full of donations for a family- warm clothes and medical supplies. (Thank you Ashlee & Ryan for the Med Supplies! Made 'em all fit!) Of, course.. there are a few more details I have yet to do and take care of in order to claim.. DONE PACKING... but... I'm done enough to ease the fretting. (in theory..)

-Remember a while ago I told you of my friends who switched agencies because they found their children waiting with another agency.  They will be in Ethiopia to bring their 2 kiddos home over Christmas!!  They are over the moon excited!  As am I for them!  Lisa, Nate, Ammanual and Mesret are a beautiful family!

JUST TO CLARIFY TWO THINGS:
Last email I mentioned TC's original diagnosis of Kwashiokor.  Kwash is not something he still "has".  It is just a state of being from malnourishment. He was treated, fed well, and is now ok. It is not like asthma or diabetes (when you get diagnosed you have it forever).  It is more like pneumonia or rheumatic fever: (you had it- you heal- but it may have lasting effects so you have to be aware of it.)


The fundraiser that Tara did for Haiti (mentioned last update) was this past spring. Long before any of us ever knew about my little man TC- but precisely during the time he was suffering from the Kwash and could have benefited from something like a Medika Mamba treatment.

That's all I have for now... I think?  I'm working on another quick update - Lord only knows when I'll finish it for you....  Love and huggs to everyone during this season of Holidays, hospitals, funerals, sadness, goodbyes, joy and new life.

"Get Shannon's Toukas In Gear" Party...

SO- retail therapy has been fulfilling...and... filling.  Literally. Filling up this small little castle.  I don't think I can say there is much.. if anything.. that we "NEED"- not anymore. Floor to ceiling. Every surface. Tucked under every piece of furniture..is ... STUFF.  Stuff for traveling to Ethiopia.  Stuff for a 2-3 year old.  Stuff  stuff everywhere. 

"Overboard", may be a valid accusation.

So much stuff.. that I don't dare take out all the gov't forms that I'm supposed to have ready to travel.. in fear I'll immediately lose them amongst the other stuff.  I haven't cooked, literally in over a month. And yet the dishes from the last time I did are still on the side board.  The sink is sparkling clean and empty. No dishes in there. Showing that beneath this stuff- it is clean. It's just ... full. Disorganized. Unprepared.

UNPREPARED!!!!

If I think about it I panic.  So I don't think. Although I did realize.. I need help. And I've asked for it.  Even when I get 'the call' to travel with 4 weeks notice... I'd never pull this off by myself. And I'd never feel comfortable with it if I did.

Work is FULL right now. Stress and pressure.  But preparing a "Leave plan"- plus getting things done ahead of time - plus teaching others to do stuff that can't wait while I'm gone - plus prioritizing what can wait and what can't--- that is another full time job right now.  Now go and add in the preparing to travel to Africa for 2 weeks and preparing to have a 2 year old in the house.

Scrambled Eggs. That is my brain.  Actually probably more of a blend of Scrambled egg and swiss cheese- many times I'm in the midst of sentence and completely forget what I was talking about...   They warned me about 'mommy brain'... I never thought it'd start this early.

So- I've bribed my 3 of my nearest and dearest with food and *beverage* to come over and help me on Friday night. They are all "take the bull by the horns" people so they will make decisions that I would hemm and haw over.({insert huge sigh of relief})   I also asked Ashlee, a former *traveler* to join in the confusion.  Poor thing.. she's got no idea what she's in for if she shows up....

Friends.

They are like the best comfort food.

There is no therapy- like REAL FRIEND's COMING FOR A VISIT!

(and just to be clear... all food will be take out as literally the sideboard, table,  island and stove are covered with... you guessed it... stuff).