Monday, July 26, 2010

Normal, Hope & Perspective...

For approximately 6 mo I've felt off kilter. Without feet on solid ground. As if being carried.

My view was close. Perspective tight. Grip tighter. In the weeds. Seeing all trees, no forest-- so to speak.

On Saturday, with my i.Pod charged for the first time in 6 mo- we took a bit of a drive to see a long lost friend of mine. With him safely in his safety seat- I listened to the Podcasts that used to accompany me daily. Ones that inspire and motivate me. Ones that teach me to enjoy my life. Remind me to seek God every day.

After only a few minutes- I thought... something... something ... feels ... something... "Normal."  NORMAL!! Wow. That's it. Normal.

For 45 minutes. There was a feeling of 'normalcy'. A reminder of, what it feels like to take care of my own needs. Fill my own love tank, once and a while.

As an added bonus!: He was so enamored with all the offerings of said friends children- I got to pee, all by myself. TWICE! .....SIX MONTHS PEOPLE!!

Then Sunday nap hit.

Then Sunday night.

He still cosleeps but- touching me constantly- gives this introvert- a pass to the looney bin. Not exagerating.. much.  Especially during those 'special times of the month'.

I love co sleeping most of the time. But there are times when a girl needs her space. And literally gripping me through all forms of sleep, provides me with NO REST. I woke ugly and angry.

I covered it up for him. Gave him love. Smiles. Warm touches.... but the boy can sense it.

Of course. It only makes sense. He can sense when I'm pulling away, and of course, he instinctively would grab on tighter.

This is a good trait for the future. "When mommy's falling apart- he's supportive and holds it together." But...  I needed a break. But I didn't honestly want to take one. I didn't want to screw this up. I wanted to be consistent, warm, comforting, loving for him-- I didn't want to be that person loses it over nothing. I wanted it to feel normal again.

And just like that. Hope begins again.


Manipulation of location and we both got our break.

I prayed more purposefully this past 24 hours than I have in months.   As I drove home tonight, I started to think about... the FUTURE. Seriously. I haven't been able to see it. I've been so stuck in the here and now of surviving that ... "what happens next" has been a luxury I couldn't afford.

Six Months. It took SIX MONTHS for perspective to show up. It feels a bit like... I didn't realize how dark it was till this little glimmer of light was lit. And now there is light again.   She was right all along.

(full discloser: I had a whole different paragraph written but stupid blogger and its saving immediately even when you screw up and delete an entire paragraph you didn't mean to delete- lost it.  ok- ya-- back to the happy stuff!)

So often before- I thought- this is as good as we'll be. But- here we are today and it's a whole different place.

And for the first time in SIX MONTHS!!, I can say with full HOPE, I look forward to where we'll be in another. It will be totally different I'm sure. But, perspective... oh- it's nice to have you growing again. Welcome home!


Heather said...

glad to have you back :)

Ladybugs appear said...

Welcome to "after 6 months" and yes she's always right and luckily one of my best friends.

I'm amazed at moms who cosleep. Not because it's not amazing but because of the lack of personal time. I admire what you're doing. keep it up.

Anonymous said...

love reading this. and you are my hero - I can't do the cosleeping. i literally cannot sleep at all with her in my bed. and then we are both in bad shape. love reading how things are turning the corner for you.

Liz said...

Glad you're feeling normal again!

Six months was a turning point for us too, in all sorts of ways that I want to document and share...but we've been home SEVEN months as of yesterday and I still haven't gotten around to writing the Six Months post, so maybe I'm still a little futher away from normal than you are...

kristine said...

Great job! Q had cholic still at six months so I was not yet at feels great doesn't it?

I admire that you can co-sleep. I can't sleep with Q in bed. To tossy turny and as you say ON TOP OF ME!

Great post!