Some have asked, so I'll answer quickly. Yes. We are actually doing good. Really good. (jinx. punchbuggy. no backsees!)
|"Dandyflowers" preferred over the Daffodils|
The weather has turned blue. The good blue. Not sad blue. What that means is, it is not likely we'll see snow again till at least October (although an hour north saw 3-4 inches today, so... jinx. punchbuggy. no backsees!). We're experiencing lots of outdoor movement and all the intrinsic therapies and exhaustions included. We're soothed sleepy by the frog and cricket lullabies. We're pausing, breathing, eyes closed, face into the sun. Feeling the thaw slowly leave our souls.
I'm taking stock. Literally and figuratively. Purging our access from our home and this blog space. Lightening the load so to speak. Giving us clear exit passage onto new adventures. What those are? Who knows. I really really don't. But I'm pretty sure this is what I need to do. It feels honoring, respectfully being a good steward to all that has been given to us.
I'll write someday about the difference in trusting in God when I know really what 'will be'. It's only a matter of "WHEN"??? that I fought to control so long. During the fight to become a family, especially. It was a fight. Looking back. Yes. It was.
An then there is now. I'm here trying to trust- but I really do not know 'what for'?? I really do feel lost in some ways. I simply remind myself, I am not alone, and in hindsight I'll see he carried me all along.
There have been some knee dropping generous merciful people in my life. Strangely- a few have been here all along, perhaps I didn't see as clearly. It isn't their tangible gifts that move me the most (although trust me- it's been tear jerk uncomfortable accepting generous), its the fact that, these people, think of us. Thought of us, through all the crap and BS of their own lives (don't we all have a load!) to actually think and act for us. Perhaps, that is God's subtle reminder that we are not alone after all. Anyway, its taken a bit of the edge off and bought us a couple months.
The stress has lessened a bit. A smidge. I'm keeping sugar and caffeine lower and taking vitamins regularly. Still have to work on water intake and eating at regular intervals. Thanks to my friend over a Zalalaland, I will, in fact, be calling the docs office for a full and complete check up of my health this week.
Parenting is intense. We are right where I kinda sorta expected (jinx. punchbuggy. no backsees!) We've been around this mountain before. This time through, I'm having an easier time taking a different approach. bare with me....
I think, in retrospect, I'd sniff out, see, recognize an 'oncoming issue' and tackle the sucker to the ground. Wrestle it. Beat it bloody. Somehow trying to make it 'go away' or just get my hands around it's neck and shake it from my son and our lives.
Now.... or at least today, it feels as if I've been given the gift of time and perspective. I see these issues as... just part of who we are. Who he is. Now I still sniff out these suckers. In fact sometimes I can sniff 'em out miles away (jinx. punch... oh forget it). My legs under me, a bit more seasoned. Eyes that can actually honor perspective (and history!). We walk together through it. Cry through the pain. Rock it asleep (no kidding. HUGE!). Get angry together. Screw up. Ask forgiveness. And LIVE THROUGH IT! (jinx.... you know the drill...)
It's early in this season. And yes. It is still overwhelmingly exhausting. We have a few months to go- July 1 if history is any indicator. Today I can say, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'm not exhausted by the thought. Tomorrow early wake up may be another thought... but I'll rebound quickly when I see his smiling face. No jinx necessary.