Sunday, August 14, 2011

Is It Faithful, If I'm Hesitant?...

Hesitant. Reluctant. Insecure. Unclear. On a Precipice. ....  Overjoyed. Overwhelmed. Not breathing. Surreal. Dizzy...

If you saw those things, on my face in this picture, you weren't imagining them. Hesitation. Unsure. Fear. It was all there. That and more.  Much Much more.

I've written about how on that day, (and many many many before and many many many after) I hit my knees, lost scared and screaming for clarity and peace.  I found it that day.

And here I am. Two full years later, having similar (yet clearly less surfacy- intense) hesitance.  I find myself out of practice, unwilling or unprepared to lean on Him as I so needed to then (and thought for sure I had learned to do always).

This spring and early summer, you would have heard me say, "I'm so ready to find a job. Go back to work.  I think Teg is ready for it and I'm ready. "

Monday. I start a new job. I'm not ready. I don't want to.

Yes- entitled first world whining: I'm going into this with a underlying kicking and screaming  "I don't WANT TO!"  I feel entitled that some how "I've earned" to 'not work'. (huh!??!? Yes. I know how awful that sounds, I'm laying it bare here)  When the reality is, I haven't earned a darn thing. People are living and dieing simply expending the effort to FIND work for a day here and there and I'm going to WHIIINE, cause I can not continue a pampered lifestyle with no income. Getting over myself, pulling up my big girl panties and off to the office I go.

If I can manage our time (cause I'm so good at that right??) I may be able to figure out and get us prepared for our next step- whatever that maybe. And I really don't know. I'm trusting God.

I am trusting him. But I feel a bit reluctant in doing so. I'm not joyously bounding forward. I knew He'd bring to where I need to be in finding work and providing for our family. I knew it. Just like I know he will again. But I'm not feeling a lot of joy in it. I'm hesitant. Reluctant. Is it fear or is it apathy? Change. Change isn't just hard. It takes effort. Purposeful effort.

My purposeful efforts have been focused in on one area only for going on 3 years now.

I'm once again, going to spend most(all) daylight hours doing something for someone else that does not pursue my own passion. And yet...even as I type this.... I hear the question... When did you pursue your passions? My passion?

I haven't. I've had all this time. 18 months of time with my beautiful son. Just the two of us. And what have I done for the greater good? I expected so much more going into this. I had completely different ideas of how life would be as a single stay at home momma. Reality has a way of biting you in the ass like that.

Yes. We've done a lot of work. Together. On us. And that can never be quantified. In fact, he is ready. He needs school full time. It's the primary motivator with going back to work.

I know know know know know that had my mind been overtired, over worked, half engaged somewhere else- we wouldn't be where we are today. I wouldn't have had the time to spend on his hair. I wouldn't have been able to let him 'do mine'. I wouldn't recognize the purposeful peeing for what it is/was. I wouldn't have been able to give him time when he needed it and breaks from eachother when he needed it. We wouldn't have been able to take last minute trips here, there and everywhere. We couldn't have just lived through those tough mornings and pulled ourselves together - no- we would have needed to rush out and get to work.  I wouldn't have been able to watch him, play with him, with other plans on hold. Learn from him, about him. None of that would have been possible.

So I guess instead of whining- I'm grateful. Eucharisteo! Thank you. For it truly would not have been possible had He not intervened. 

And my mind began shifting last week. Already, I was feeling like 'time is of the essence'. The "hurry up" has returned to my vocabulary cycle. (Which has zero effect, if not negative effect on both the 4 year old and the dog.) Punishing myself for not utilizing every spare moment for either cleaning up after last "activity" or preparing for all future possible "activities".

Hesitant. Reluctant. Unsure.

And here I am typing on a keyboard instead of praying for clarity and peace. Tonight, instead of more whining I'll praise Eucharisteo. Thank you. For anything is possible with Him. I have lived it over and over and over again.

*Reluctance two years ago, was more influenced by reluctance to grip the reality of what was happening. I thought at any moment they'd tell me it was all a mistake. I don't know why I sense reluctance now....


Paula said...

Change is hard. Always. Good luck with this next phase. :)

The Lost Planetista said...

Best of luck at your new job. :)

Barbaloot said...

It will probably be a bit of everything the first few weeks, huh? Just take care of yourself and Teg and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope it all goes well. Will be thinking of you!

Claudia said...

I hope it's going okay, Shannon... thinking of you!