One week from today- I was to go back to work full time. Back to a job I should have long ago left. Back to random last minute late night meetings. Back to full weekends of work. My job- that in many ways and for a long time, I really loved. But this job is one you have to live... completely. It must envelope every aspect of your life- in order to be successful. Some time ago- I realized - I couldn't do that and be the best me, the best mom nor the best employee. But my really good friend- one who I admire and respect- loves his job. He is my boss and loves living and breathing this. It is fun for him. He thrives in it. It is also ageing him quickly and as much as he tries and as super as his wife is... his kids are growing up without him. It's not a life I want. But I am loyal to him and trust his judgement. So I pray- Lord, if he needs to lay me off, please give him comfort and courage to do so. Please grant me your Grace and Mercy. Lord, if I need to stay here- let it be so and I will do everything I'm being paid to do.
Wednesday, I was laid off. Yup. Lost my job.
We'd been trying to transition the boy into preschool. It wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. He was NOT ready to be in another institutional care for 50 hours each week. I was not ready for that either. I was agonizing over what to do.
So- as bad as the timing may be- it was as good as it could be as well. God's timing. This will work out. I have faith. Really I do.
The boy is back with me at home. He spends one day a week with Nana and I'll try and find him 2 half days at a home care situation for now.
I'm a little scared. How long will we be out of work? Many questions, I could agonize over. But I chose to look at the positive. And for now--- I make this a new season.
In the weeks and I first joined my job, almost 10 years ago- I had a bad reaction to BC meds and gained more than 50 lbs in less than 6 weeks. P.A.I.N.F.U.L. Some of it has come off over the years.. but this past season of "adoption" I quit many healthy routines and gained more than a little bit of weight.
Well, my son is home. My job is over.
I'm looking forward to this new season. I'll try and hold myself to the same standard I do smokers who finally 'quit'. My son deserves a mother who doesn't ache and creak at every step.