Monday, March 29, 2010

Back to work?.....

One week from today- I was to go back to work full time. Back to a job I should have long ago left. Back to random last minute late night meetings. Back to full weekends of work. My job- that in many ways and for a long time, I really loved. But this job is one you have to live... completely. It must envelope every aspect of your life- in order to be successful.  Some time ago- I realized - I couldn't do that and be the best me, the best mom nor the best employee. But my really good friend- one who I admire and respect- loves his job. He is my boss and loves living and breathing this. It is fun for him. He thrives in it. It is also ageing him quickly and as much as he tries and as super as his wife is... his kids are growing up without him.  It's not a life I want. But I am loyal to him and trust his judgement.  So I pray- Lord, if he needs to lay me off, please give him comfort and courage to do so. Please grant me your Grace and Mercy. Lord, if I need to stay here- let it be so and I will do everything I'm being paid to do.

Wednesday, I was laid off. Yup. Lost my job.

We'd been trying to transition the boy into preschool. It wasn't going as well as I'd hoped. He was NOT ready to be in another institutional care for 50 hours each week. I was not ready for that either.  I was agonizing over what to do.

So- as bad as the timing may be- it was as good as it could be as well. God's timing. This will work out. I have faith.  Really I do.

The boy is back with me at home. He spends one day a week with Nana and I'll try and find him 2 half days at a home care situation for now.

I'm a little scared. How long will we be out of work? Many questions, I could agonize over. But I chose to look at the positive.   And for now--- I make this a new season.

In the weeks and I first joined my job, almost 10 years ago- I had a bad reaction to BC meds and gained more than 50 lbs in less than 6 weeks. P.A.I.N.F.U.L.  Some of it has come off over the years.. but this past season of "adoption" I quit many healthy routines and gained more than a little bit of weight.

Well, my son is home. My job is over.

This new season- I'm choosing to lose this extra weight. I don't recognize myself in the pictures of us. It isn't just the weight- I don't look healthy... at all.  

I'm looking forward to this new season. I'll try and hold myself to the same standard I do smokers who finally 'quit'. My son deserves a mother who doesn't ache and creak at every step.


Liz said...

Eek! It's a little scary to think about being without a job in this economy, but it could also be a positive thing...I'm assuming you can collect unemployment for being laid off, so you'll have a bit of a safety net while you figure out what to do next. Hoping for a smooth transition to being happy and healthy!

The B Family said...

Good for you for keeping a positive attitude and for desiring those changes that will result in a healthier, more balanced mommy for your boy. Praying you'll have peace during this time of uncertainty.

Staci said...

Oh Shannon, everything happens for a reason right?? I applaud your desire to get to a place where you can feel good physically, because for me, it is very much tied into how I feel about myself mentally and how good a mom I am. When I don't take care of myself, I find I am not as good at taking care of the little people.

You are in my prayers. I hope that the next few months give you and T the time you need to get to more healthy and happy places.

♪~Jenn~♪ said...

trusting can be tough but I really believe you are being provided with what you need. (I'm saying this to myself to as we transition through huge change..remembering to breathe) keep the faith will find the right work situation and in the mean time you will be with your son and get healthy! enjoy!!

Kevin said...

Shannon, I really admire you. I've been facing a potential lay off, and it's hard to be motivated when you have a new child at home as we do. I'm also amazed that you've decided to tackle your weight. I only hope I have one-tenth of your courage and strength to do the same for myself. You're an amazing woman, and I know you'll come through this stronger. Give your son a hug and put your faith in God.

Ronnie and Suzi said...

Sorry to hear about your job. Some things have a way of working out even at the worst of times, like you've already observed. I can't wait to see what you make of this latest blip. I have no doubt it will be one of those times you look back on with pride over how much you've accomplished!

Katie Frances' Family said...

My heart is going out to you. It sounds like the layoff was something you needed even though it's scary. I hope this door finally closing allows the right one to open for you. And I hope everything aligns for you so that you can feel and look like yourself. One small piece of the puzzle (like a job that makes you HAPPY) can put everything else into place. I pray it all comes together!