Truth be told, I'm really scared.
There are times fear riddles my body and mind. I've needed to make some very hard choices these past 22 months. Very few made hastily. Some hard choices that on the surface, are deserving of criticism and harsh judgement from those who know better. Perhaps I was wrong. Likely I was, a number of times. But each time I needed to choose what was best for my son and our family in the long term. It has not been easy.
It's so easy to throw "Should've"s around. So easy to say "That's what you get when...". Whether its in the roll of the eyes or the cocked smirk and huff. Or whether we say it right out "Well, that's what you get. You're the one who brought him here." "Well, you should've found a job at Wallyword or McD's at least by now." "Well you should've made him fall asleep by himself by now".
All these calls are easy to make when you aren't the one parenting. And my instincts want to justify- "But I can't work nights and weekends, I've only got childcare during the weekdays" or "He has sleep issues, ptsd, anxiety, clingsyndrome, darknessbarnacleitis".
It's of no good use. Neither the proclamations of the righteous in hindsight nor the mistaken self doubt that conjures the justification drive. Neither are of good use. Neither are loving. Supportive. Giving.
So today- in my fears- in my self doubts of days gone by, I prostrate. Peel back the layers of doubt. Judgement. Condescension. Black soul sucking layer by layer and find me as I am.
Here. In His arms. Full of wrong doing. Answering in faith. Thankful for the shelter we call home. Thankful for the family woven together by Him. Thankful for his ever present weight on some portion of my body at every moment. Thankful for the struggles. Thankful for the $30 balance. Thankful that I can not see what lays ahead nor what comes next. Thankful, because in the struggle comes growth. Growth in Him, if I can be weak and give it all. Growth in spirit. And all glory be His. It's the only thing left. Thankfulness.
Praying people, I do not ask often. Today I ask with a full and open heart. Even those of you who do not pray- I believe God cares for you and your heart. I would ask you to say a simple prayer, for us- for clarity, provision and wisdom.