The Big Ugly...

I waited a week*. This was a lot if overwhelming stuff to take in. -your family - your history -your pain - your hunger - your future - your smile - your ears - your hands - your eyes ooooh those eyes!! Was I worthy of you? How God? How am I worthy of this boy? I need him. I really really do. Somehow... my salvation is intertwined with his.


My guard was still up. I felt like- *they* could take it all away. Like somehow it wasn't real. Honestly- it still feels like that- but it's *normal* now.


I waited a week. By Tuesday morning, there were only a few people that knew I was your Momma. Tyler & Travis in Michigan (I hope by the time you read this, you look up to them like the big brothers they are), Dodie & Steve, Todd & Dee, Sarah & Wes. Only those that started this journey with us, by writing letters recommending Momma. By Tuesday night, I showed Auntie Carla your picture and she cried. I still hadn't. (big ugly grin still stuck on face but no cry's yet) Then Christy and Mike. Happiness all around. Christy and Mike was the first of the family. Nana & Papa would be PO'd if too many others knew before them.


Wednesday night. After a muggy warm evening with your cousins at Ellen's pool- I handed Nana and Papa your referral pictures and said "It's a Boy".


"I knew something was going on!!" they gasped as they hugged me. Then, they took a look at your picture and fell apart. It's another week later and Nana has continued to cry at least once a day. I've had to replace her copy of your picture a number of times already. They loved you immediately. Their love for your broke their heart a little.


Thursday: I went to my favorite store to find you some warm jammies. As I measured their length and compared to your measured height, I got numb. So small. So tiny. Should I get a size smaller? Check the tag for a weight indicator. Oh my. You are so fragile. For a moment, I can smell you, feel you. My heart tears. Here it comes. In the middle of the store. The ugly cry. I can't stop it. My knees buckle. Lose my breath. Big tears. And yet I'm so happy that it has finally arrived- I can physically feel you in my heart - I smile. The big ugly smile. I just keep smiling. I don't hide the tears. (The other ladies in the section looking for the bargains on the new Carter shipment give Momma room. They figure she's crazy with a big free wheeling grin and tear stained face. )


I love you T. I love you so much already. That scares me. I worry. Am I good enough? Will I be able to raise you to be happy? Will they really let me love you?

~~~~~~~~~

One day, I called Ashlee at 8am. "What can go wrong?"
A: Huh? What are you talking about?
Me: Tell me. I need a logical person who knows- Tell me. What are the possibilities? What are that will make this not happen? What can go wrong?


"Stop WORRYING!!" She said. Driving myself insane is a hobby of mine.

I give my self to you my boy. I hope I do right by you. (and still- even as I write this tonight- the dark side is telling me it will never be. I'm not worthy. Go to Hell dark side. Back where ya came from!!)

Please God, comfort T. Give him your strength. No delays.

*"waited a week"- I made a small error in my digital communication capabilities, through a number of 'user errors'- more people knew than intended. But at least not anyone here at home!