Friday, March 18, 2011

S for effort, F for execution-

I've commandeered my mothers machine whilst she be out of town (insert evil laugh). And there are so many meaningful things going through my head.

How will I use these allotted 9 minutes? 

Will I finish posts on "What's in a name?" considering the change name or keep name debate? No.

Will I continue my atttachment post? Or, write confessions that have been brought to the surface after deeply considering the Gold's attachment piece? No.

Will I expound on my still single stay at home status and how it is efffecting me in ways I'd never considered? No.

Will I tell you how humbled i was and then felt incredibly blessed and outright privileged at the medical care we not only have access to but that cost me less then the gas it took to drive to 4 different medical stops? No. Another day perhaps.

Will I use this time to finally purge out of me, a manifesto of rantings on so called "Ethics debates", NGO's, marginalized peoples, culture differences that are vastly deeper than music, food, education and women's rights? Will I go on to alienate people with my thoughts on the effects of generations of governmental leadership leading and marginalizing it's people and the piousness of thinking that 'we' can make it "better" so quickly? Will I kick my self for using the word "better" as it is clearly defined solely in my own privileged mind? Will I go on to further alienate and outright piss people off by typing what I really think about the wrongfulness of the gov't governing my heart and yet at the same time point to the obviousness that they too, are governing on their own self regarded notion of necessary as part of ownership/leadership--- and as i sit on my couch, in my house on land that was procured some 200+ years ago in a very similar fashion? No. Not today. Mostly because I'm still uncomfortable how the argument turns out in my head...   Not today.

Those are headier- thought necessary rantings that will take effort and meaning. Today- as I'm ready for bed and have used up most of the allotted time frame- i write something that is easy. Today I give you yet another example of my valiant efforts at Mommy failure. (Bridget is cringing. So am I. Yet, it is well deserved. Sad. True. )

Today I will tell you that I kept my son home from school this week. That is saying something. (Listen- you'll hear the single momma's witness!) He doesn't stay home for sniffles and coughs. First- he doesn't want to, my kid doesn't act sick. Period. (ok- comma... ) Second- he's getting that viral load FROM SCHOOL! So I'll be dangummed if they get to skip the snot they're dealing out. All this to bring home the point of- I kept him home from school- all week- cause he was sick- and I should have paid more attention, as he was right here under my nose. I started out on the ball...

Tuesday, I get him into Doc's office- His primary not in- see a PAC we've never seen before with a LPN we've never seen before. He's feeling sick (i can see it- no one else can). He's been physically assaulted in this room (really bad VAX experience). And 2 people he doesn't know.  This all equals- survival mechanisms kick in.

Charming. Smiles. Acrobats. Bouncing off walls. Overtly compliant with extra charms. Flirty. Loud. Distracting. etc etc etc

"This is not a sick kid."
"Yes. He really is. Please ignore the behavior. You will never see him act sick."
"If he was really sick, he couldn't do this."
"Ummmm- yes. Yes he could."
"Well- he's got a little fluid in his ears. Snuffy nose and a little cough- its a virus that all the other kids have right now. Nothing we can do. Wait it out. Steam baths, Vicks... blah dee blah blah... How does that sound?"
"Not. Good. I know him on 'regular virus'. This isn't it. Something's wrong."
"Nope. Nothings wrong."

So I advocated. I did Good Momma stuff. ... And then- i forgot everything I told him somehow.

Each day, I woke up, expecting to send him to school "No matter what!" (cause I get worn o.u.t.). Each morning, he isn't better, but worse. So I keep him home. With me. Inside. All. Day. Long. sigh..

Let me pause and say how much I loooove loooove loooove my kid. I looooove loooove loooove being with him. Being with him nonstop is INTENSE. And.... I'm not, naturally. I'm getting better at responding to this need he has, but adjustment takes time for me too! I need down time. I need time when someone isn't physically stuck to me, picking at me or climbing me as if attempting a tricky bouldering maneuver. Not forever. Just some. time. A break now and again. And honest to goodness- he needs time from me too. He really does. Trust me.

So 4 days of him no more than 2.5 feet from my hip. I'm getting increasingly irritated because he is not responding or listening or obeying ANYTHING!! Repeating myself is my biggest pet peeve and only shortens my patience to the point of being obnoxiously demanding and quick tempered. By Wednesday afternoon I'm hollering (yup) "Why are you not doing what I ask?!??!!?" while almost simultaneously txt'ing a message joking about how he even "sounds sick" cause he isn't even talking properly.

Still. I don't get it. Still. I've completely erased from my memory bank that 2 days ago I was completely convinced something was 'really off'.  Nope. I simply stay in my world of "pissed off irritated parent to the kid who won't listen". Which is somewhat par for the course for 3-4 year olds...

Thursday he wakes. 4am. Survival mechs kick in again. Insists he's ready to get up. Makes it to next room. curls up on trampoline and lays there for 2 hours. I take advantage and curl up next to him and doze. Awaken 2 hours later to a kid whose eyes are definitely sick and he's REEEEAAAALLLY lethargic. (review a few paragraphs ago to remember... he NEVER ACTS SICK... (make that almost never now)) He's outright really sick.

He refuses to drink. I realize, only now, that he's barely eaten in 2 days and hasn't drank hardly anything for 24 hours. Just. Realize. Now.

Hmmm. He hasn't been speaking clearly. Perhaps he hasn't been hearing me. Oh. Crap. I'm yelling at him, all worked up - and he couldn't hear a darn thing to begin with. I suck. Little bit of fluid my butt.

(As it turned out, he has raging puss in both ears, lungs full, likely flu and strep on top of that... oy)

Mommy. Fail.

Yes. he's on the upswing now.  I on the other hand........... not feeling so great about either my health, nor my parenting skills. Ugh. I feel like such a crappy parent that cleaning up the vomit from the car, carseat, foam mattress, carpets etc- feels somehow, cathartic.

I've got to get better at this.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Speaking of Attachment- This is Gold

I'm still out of service mostly. But I snagged a few minutes and read this and had to share. (Why do I feel like she's talking about me??) 

Oh and if you saw the Dr.Fill show on Hotsauce Mom- she had a great series on that last month too. CHECK HER OUT!

ETA: apparently the link initially showed up in the post title... odd?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Temporarily Out of Service...

Breaking up. It's hard to do. It wasn't my fault. I don't want it. I'll fight for this relationship. Oh black screen of death- why do you visit me again?!?!?!

It has happened again. At this moment I'm at my mothers, on her slower than cold molasses connection. One stop at fB and I'm reminded that I'll miss Bridget's announcements, the pictures of your beautiful peoples - and oh, gosh, ugh, shoot me- i can't read all the attachment posts. Oh my. breaking up is hard to do.

I will be back. But not until my tax return makes it into my hot little hands in order to get a new Mac. My Powerbook is 5+years old and i've replaced the hard drive twice now... losing a few photos from Ethiopia every time. The frame is bent, so using the dvd burner was no longer an option.  And I'm not sure if this is one of the confessions I've told you all before.. but- I'm still out of work. So long now that the emergency fund and savings are pretty well depleted. SO- biting the bullet for the team and saying- not till the money is in my pocket will I be replacing the thing.

This will actually turn out to be a good thing for the tegerooni and i. Just 2 days before it crashed - I committed, along with Liz to put the machine away when he was home and awake. (This was harder than it sounded )  I cheated a couple times and perhaps this is my wonderful God keeping me on target.?!? Who knows. But I'll make the most of it- writing more in his journals and creating some fine motor tasks fun for him to practice enjoy.

While we are away, we are currently on our way to him learning to dress himself. The shirts are proving more of a problem than expected, and we'll wait on snaps and buttons for now- but socks are HUGE and he's almost there!!  As always, he's really ENJOYING the challenge!! He's on his way to using scissors. We'll be working on moving fingers, wrists, toes and feet without moving the entire arm and leg along with it. We'll be working on rhythm and patterns (cognitive motor). He may start swim class. He's learning to pedal a trike (this is HUGE!!) as long as his feet are strapped to the pedals. He is sitting to paint as I read from his children's bible (the one gifted from his VBS teacher this summer). We are again looking for a new church to attend. He can recite his ABC's (sometimes its' M&M's and Peas instead of LMNOP but...). He counts in both English and Spanish, sadly, not Amharic. We are looking forward to spending more time outside and enjoying the mud, slush, smell of thawing ground and running in the sunshine! (Let's hope it actually happens in march...)

I'll do my best to get to the public Library and check in from time to time. Sincerely I'll miss you all but only for a little while. Be well.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

March. March on....

Last year, when I achingly realized, that I'd be bringing my son back to Maine in the deepest darkest coldest most biting time of the year- I cried. I mourned. Then, as I was quick to look at the "brightside" back then- (sometimes....) I remembered- snowmobiles*. I imagined long days outside, building snowforts, snowmen and enjoying the back woods in the open air of a snowmobile, bonding with my son.

Ah. Yes. Yes. That is what we will do on together. Just us as we get to know eachother. Instill in him a love of the outdoors, regardless of weather... (unicorns, rainbows, lightly falling sparkly flakes, giggles and smiles was what was going on in my head... that and apparently, a lot of memory altering drugs  .... ). So I focused on what we'd enjoy together in the snow, dark, cold snow.

Because- January to March- is a BITCH around here. Ya. i said it. November and December are freaking dark. But Man- then you turn the corner to REALLY COLD. Usually somewhere around the middle of April to the middle of July end of June summer shows up. There is a bit of, what we call Mudseason, between the last of the snow going away and the ground firming back up. But no real spring to speak of. Not really. Not eva hardly.(local speak- stick with me)

In life's attempt to keep me on my toes and mess up any and all "plans". This was what actually happened last year in early March. Ya. Shocker. It was truly a first!!

Notice, not only are the weeds turning green- there is NO ICE in the stream! WHOA!

And then.....

This is this year. I'm moving south. I'll let you know where we settle and when. But... having tasted spring---- there's no going back.

*Yes. Despite Sarah Pale-in's remarks- a "snow sled" is still a devise used to slide down hills round these parts.