Friday, July 30, 2010

Friday Confessions- I admit...

That I sometimes write posts in advance and schedule them to publish later.

That I sometimes write posts and have to POST DATE them to be historically accurate. Like the one I posted yesterday, here.

That I continue to have so many posts started and floating in my head that finishing just one is difficult.

That I still have a big confession- that I have yet to have read anything about - on any mommy blog thus far! But because, I haven't seen others write about it- I want to do it justice and not just wing it. It has been too important and present in our everyday life for the past 6+ months.

That it has been almost 7 months and I have yet to publish my 6 mo update for family and friends.

That when I'm low on Margerita Mix- I usually add MORE Tequila and Triple Sec as I figure it's my last one for a while.

That I've made killer Margerita's out of very odd ingredients including, but not limited to, Green Cool Pops and Mt. Dew.

That this is a boring confessional for a Friday- but consider those poor Catholic Priests- they have to hear it all!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Normal, Hope & Perspective...

For approximately 6 mo I've felt off kilter. Without feet on solid ground. As if being carried.

My view was close. Perspective tight. Grip tighter. In the weeds. Seeing all trees, no forest-- so to speak.

On Saturday, with my i.Pod charged for the first time in 6 mo- we took a bit of a drive to see a long lost friend of mine. With him safely in his safety seat- I listened to the Podcasts that used to accompany me daily. Ones that inspire and motivate me. Ones that teach me to enjoy my life. Remind me to seek God every day.

After only a few minutes- I thought... something... something ... feels ... something... "Normal."  NORMAL!! Wow. That's it. Normal.

For 45 minutes. There was a feeling of 'normalcy'. A reminder of, what it feels like to take care of my own needs. Fill my own love tank, once and a while.

As an added bonus!: He was so enamored with all the offerings of said friends children- I got to pee, all by myself. TWICE! .....SIX MONTHS PEOPLE!!

Then Sunday nap hit.

Then Sunday night.

He still cosleeps but- touching me constantly- gives this introvert- a pass to the looney bin. Not exagerating.. much.  Especially during those 'special times of the month'.

I love co sleeping most of the time. But there are times when a girl needs her space. And literally gripping me through all forms of sleep, provides me with NO REST. I woke ugly and angry.

I covered it up for him. Gave him love. Smiles. Warm touches.... but the boy can sense it.

Of course. It only makes sense. He can sense when I'm pulling away, and of course, he instinctively would grab on tighter.

This is a good trait for the future. "When mommy's falling apart- he's supportive and holds it together." But...  I needed a break. But I didn't honestly want to take one. I didn't want to screw this up. I wanted to be consistent, warm, comforting, loving for him-- I didn't want to be that person loses it over nothing. I wanted it to feel normal again.

And just like that. Hope begins again.


Manipulation of location and we both got our break.

I prayed more purposefully this past 24 hours than I have in months.   As I drove home tonight, I started to think about... the FUTURE. Seriously. I haven't been able to see it. I've been so stuck in the here and now of surviving that ... "what happens next" has been a luxury I couldn't afford.

Six Months. It took SIX MONTHS for perspective to show up. It feels a bit like... I didn't realize how dark it was till this little glimmer of light was lit. And now there is light again.   She was right all along.

(full discloser: I had a whole different paragraph written but stupid blogger and its saving immediately even when you screw up and delete an entire paragraph you didn't mean to delete- lost it.  ok- ya-- back to the happy stuff!)

So often before- I thought- this is as good as we'll be. But- here we are today and it's a whole different place.

And for the first time in SIX MONTHS!!, I can say with full HOPE, I look forward to where we'll be in another. It will be totally different I'm sure. But, perspective... oh- it's nice to have you growing again. Welcome home!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


For my kid, the answer seems to be- Let him sleep. He slept until 8pm. I was already in bed with him ready to sleep myself- so I turned on his favorite movie- Cars!. Two hours later as I was drifting off- so was he.

What did I learn?
Let him sleep.
Put a diaper on him.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


What to do when 3 year old skips nap and falls asleep at 4:30 pm?  To wake him or not to wake him???  (and yes- it freaks me out when he sleeps with his eyes open.. this is mostly closed though)

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Confessions- I Admit...

- That re reading my adoption books, is like an awakening

- That re reading my adoption books, makes me remember my bad parenting moments and adds evidence to my being an ever growing pile of Sh*t for a parent.

- That re reading my adoption books has solidified that I'm definitely noticing red flags and we need to get to attachment therapy as soon as possible

- That needing to go to attachment therapy is currently my primary motivation for finding a new career/job

- That re reading my adoption books shows me all the things we've done properly, despite the heavy burden of the microscope I put the two of us under. 

- That regardless of how much I need breaks- or how much I need to work on things without him on my lap- on those rare days he's not here, I come to the verge of tears about 400 times.

- That taking/receiving breaks provides me the opportunity to have a little perspective- see his needs- my needs- what is missing- how far we've come- where we have left to go- and how we are going to get there.

- That by "re reading" I mean- using the index and hitting the highlights cause who the heck has time to read more than a paragraph or two at a time?

- That this post was supposed to publish last Friday but some fluke by blogger (or user error) prevented it from doing so.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

The Rock

You are so helpful and supportive in my 'I admit' posts- I thought I'd give you a quick update rather than just post it in comments. 

This Roman Catholic raised chicka- got the kid and I snappily dressed and out the door to make it to a 10am service, at a non-demoninational place about 30 minutes from home.

For full disclosure purposes:
- I have no idea if Roman Catholic is different than regular Catholic?
- "Snappily Dressed" may be an exaggeration and he definitely looked better than me.
- "10am" - ish.  We were slightly late, but were welcomed along with some other straggelers.
- I have no idea what "non-denominational" vs. "demoninational" would be. Is it like Demons vs. No Demons?
- This is what happens when you only attend a hushed Catholic doctrinally based church your entire life.

The tyke struggled in the heat and using his soft voice- but did ok. It felt nice. We'll give it another shot in 2 weeks (culture camp next weekend) and maybe investigate the kids programs too.

"Church Shopping" is hard.. and odd. It feels a bit like shopping for an adoption agency. And like that- and, YES, I did do some online searching. "Finding" one and actually walking in the door are two very different things. It's very intimidating. Every thing is completely unknown.

Staci!! I'm pretty sure I know of which you speak. And its on my list- but .. sooo very intimidating!

I'm supposed to be focusing on getting my resume stuff together and in comprehend-able(?) form - But the 4 minutes it took to write this is really all I to dedicate to computer work. I have a doozy of an "I admit" post but-- he and I are working on so much hard stuff right now it puts EVERYTHING else on the back burner. Speaking of burners... now his dinner is burning so...

Thanks everyone. Keep encouraging me. Slowly progress is being made!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Friday Confessional- I admit

- to the fact that I stopped attending Church in November with a plan to find a different church that was more biblically oriented and a good youth program-  as I have so much to learn and no idea how to teach this kiddo.

- to political drama being the 'last straw' in my decision to leave 

- to not finding that new Church yet

- to not having any idea how to find, said "New Church"

- to knowing- beyond a shadow of a doubt- that nothing will change, until I find this new house of worship. He is waiting on me.